Computer Jokes — most viewed jokes

In the dim and distant past
When life's tempo wasn't so fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat and baby sit.

When the kids were in a jam,
They could always call on Gram.

But today she's in the gym
Exercising to keep slim.

She's checking the web or surfing the net,
Sending some e-mail or placing a bet.

Nothing seems to stop or block her,
Now that Grandma's off her rocker.

There is a very dangerous virus going around and it is propogated through the email system. If you get an email message with the subject: "VIRUS ALERT!" do not open the mail message. If you do, the virus scrambles the second half of every text file on your system.

VERY IMPORTANT: If you do get this virus, the first thing dlkfjaiddfdjas nairb gfdq40wt yaj asdfsdg dluog av da[agj asdfajpg asdflasidffnm asd difvu asdfa vgoiae vdsofj we dasdf 9efm sd dag0 g adfjdl5gkj dkllj djf hsas9kaj kuieh nx3glkj gkdls kd li8siue ghkld hks1as dg 0vbwe ads gwefawe ads vewerwe dsf!

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO KEEP IF YOU'RE A NERD

16. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
17. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.
18. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
19. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
20. I will try to figure out why I really need 9 e-mail addresses.
21. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.
22. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.
23. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.
24. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.
25. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
26. I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.
27. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*
28. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...
29. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.
30. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.
31. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

The Life Cycle of Software

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. See 3.
6. See 4.
7. See 5.
8. See 6.
9. See 7.
10. See 8.
11. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely pre-mature product announcement based on over-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
12. Users find 137 new bugs.
13. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
14. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
15. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji.
16. Entire testing department quits.
17. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
18. New CEO is brought in by board of directors.
19. He hires programmer to redo program from scratch.
20. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. See step 2.

My computer broke down.
It crashed and burned!
And for my AOL,
I really yearned!

I tried to stay busy...
And keep it off my mind.
It was worse than cigarettes,
at least butts I can find!!

So I went to Wal-Mart,
and got on their pc.
The cashier in electronics
was staring at me.

But I didn't care.
I had to get on line!
Check my mail,
and see what buddies I can find.

I drew a crowd
as I began to cry.
I couldn't find the password
no matter how hard I tried!

I need my AOL!!
I got to have my fix!!
Go to my favorite places,
check out some cool pics.

The cashier called Security!
I heard her whisper low,
"We have ourselves a Psycho here
and she has got to go!"

Security rushed over.
Not long did he stall.
Obviously he has never suffered
from AOL withdrawal.

He slapped cuffs on my wrists
and threw me out the door!
Then he looked at me and said,
"Don't come round here no more!"

I feel so embarrassed!!
I have sunk so low!
To be kicked out of Wal-Mart....
How low can I go?

So I'll try really hard now
to rid myself of this affliction.
Get rid of these bad habits
and my AOL addiction!

The top six reasons computers must be female:

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
7. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
8. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
9. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
10. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

One night, a few co-workers at the computer data centre where I work stayed late and we all started to get hungry. We decided to order in food by phone, but our boss thought that, since we work with computers, it would be more appropriate to order by Internet. After we contacted a fast food chain's web site and spent a long time registering as new customers for the delivery service, a message appeared on the screeen: "Thank you for your business. You will be able to order food in three days."

Earlier this week, Gregory Nemitz and a handful of space enthusiasts proposed creating special domains, including ".luna" and ".moon," for Web sites based on the moon. He wasn't kidding:

And one of our "Ten laws the Net needs" involves a special ".xxx" domain for pornographic sites. But why stop there? Here are some new proposed domains, and what you can expect from the sites in them:

10. ".trek"--contains audio files of William Shatner
11. ".bill"--Microsoft has bought this company
12. ".love"--for people who would rather cuddle
13. ".slow"--based in a distant country with no T3 lines
14. ".geek"--assumes you know what all the acronyms mean
15. ".404"--we stopped maintaining our servers in 1996
16. ".y2k"--contains theories about the end of the world
17. ".burn"--huge multimedia files will crash your computer
18. ".*"--contains allegations about President Clinton's sex life
19. ".duh"--explains, in detail, stuff you already know

Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device attached conveniently to your belt.

On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .
Windows 95 for my PC

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .
8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .
9 apps a crashin'
8 megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .
10 modes not supported
9 apps a crashin'
8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .
11 instructions faulty
10 modes not supported
9 apps a crashin'
8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me . . .
12 illegal operations
11 instructions faulty
10 modes not supported
9 apps a crashin'
8 Megs overflowin'
7 files missin'
6 ints conflictin'
5 eighty six
4 sectors bad
3 ports not responding
2 GPFs
and Windows 95 for my PC