Random joke from this category
Cheapskate Republicans buy an artificial Christmas tree.
Tight-fisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.
Green Democrats buy a real tree with roots, and then replant it after New Years.
Why can't there be a Santa Pig?
→ Pigs don't fit in chimneys.
Kowalski and Janzek left Hamtramack and went out in the woods looking for Christmas trees.
They looked all day without any luck.
Near nightfall Kowalski finally said, "Janzek, I'm takin' the next tree we come to, whether it has lights on it or not!"
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."
Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Deck the Halls."
Young Democrat's favorite Christmas carol is "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer."
Republican's favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."
Young Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."
Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they stopped believing in Santa Claus.
Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in Santa Claus.
What's your dad getting for Christmas?
→ Bald and fat.
You think you got it bad? All night long I deal with soot in the chimneys, smelly socks, cross dogs, getting shot at, mistaken for a stork, driving all night in the snow - damn near got killed by a 747. Mrs. Clause is pissed off cause I got in so late.
Donner and Blitzen and Rudolph got the "runs" over Albuquerque and you should see my suit. The freaking elves won't clean the sleigh unless I pay them double time.
I'm so sick of cookies and milk, I could vomit. The only highball I had all night was when I slipped getting out of my sleigh. My prostate is giving me hell. I peed my pants at 20,000 feet and froze my butt to the seat. I'm allergic to pine needles. I itch all over and I think my hemorrhoids are back.
HO! HO! HO! A very MERRY CHRISTMAS,...
NOT! Santa
Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men? They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and, brought practical gifts!
What do elves learn in school?
→ The ELF-abet.
How many reindeer does Santa have?
→ 11 (named below): Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph (the one with the red nose), Olive (all of the other reigndeer) and Al (Then Al the reigndeer loved him all).
What nationality is Santa Claus?
→ North Polish
What kind of bird can write?
→ A PEN-guin
Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
→ Because it has long distance-runners on each side.
Why does Scrooge love Rudolph-the red-nosed reindeer?
→ Beacuse every buck is dear to him.
What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus?
→ Crisp Cringle
What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
→ We'll have a "boo" Christmas without you.
What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
→ "OKay everyone, sack time!"
If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
→ Missletoe!!!!
