Christmas Jokes — most viewed jokes

Democrats wear wide red ties and green sports jackets during the festive season.
Republicans do too, all year round.

5-year-old Nicholas was sitting on a department store Santa's lap and told him, "My name's the same as yours."

Santa's helper blows his cover when he says, "Well, hello, Harold!"

What does a black boy get for Christmas?
→ Your Bike.

Did you hear of the pig who began hiding garbage in November?
→ She wanted to do her Christmas slopping early.

Greeting cards are getting expensive, so why not design your very own Hallmark Moment with some these sayings:

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.

After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell till I met you."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the heck was I thinking?"

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.

Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never new what evil was before this!"

"Money is tight, times are hard, here's your @#$/& Christmas card!!!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with breasts that are bigger than mine."

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"The holidays are a great time to be with family. Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating bastard!"

10 signs Santa has been drinking:

• While your child is on his lap, he tells them they're not getting his Bud Light.
• You see his sleigh pulled over and the police with a breathlyzer.
• Those darn milk and cookies never worked but the Jack Daniels does!
• You don't remember getting a request for venison in your stocking.
• Betty Ford releases him on December 24th.
• After each child, he has a Jello Shot.
• This year the sleigh is being pulled by the Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull.
• He jumps down a manhole and then gets angry when he can't find the tree.
• Instead of going Onward, Dancer and Prancer...he just grumbles and says "Awww...just get going!"

At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!" Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said, "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!" Once again, silence ensued for 365 days.

The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"

Why doesn't Santa hitch his sleigh to a pig?
→ Pigs don't have red noses.

T'was the night before christmas-
Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and through down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of thanks Santa what do I hear
The Old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money the reindeers all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes-if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money
And the kids these days- they all are the pits
They want the impossible... Those mean litttle shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls....

Their arms, legs, and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's
No request for them
They want computers and robots.....they think I'm IBM
If you thinks that bad...just picture this
Try holding their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile the parents think I'm wierd
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimmneys and skinning their knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no christmas this year.... now you know the reason
I found me a blonde ...

I'm going south for the season

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus, with a huge bundle of toys.

Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated, and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The question is: Who was the survivor? Scroll down for the answer.

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one that existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.

Women stop here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep scrolling

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving, and that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.