Christmas Jokes — most viewed jokes

I think the real miracle of Christmas is how I get through it each year without killing my relatives! (Reno Goodale)

Here's a delightful treat someone once made for an office Christmas party:

A gelatin mold should be made with Knox Unflavored Gelatin and red food coloring. One would think that a flavorless food would not be at all difficult to swallow, but believe me, from the looks of people who inserted cold masses of gelatinous glop into a mouth that was expecting sweets, the experience is unexplainably horrifying! Some claimed to be nauseated by the feel of it; others politely swallowed.

What does Santa call his wife at tax time?
→ A dependent Claus.

"Winnie The ????" It was the first day after Christmas vacation in a 3rd grade class. The teacher told the class that each student could tell the class one thing they got for Christmas. So, the teacher calls on a girl to come up to the front of the class and tell everyone 1 thing she got. "My daddy got me a Bow-Wow," she said. The teacher tells the class that they are old enough to know the correct words for things without using nicknames. The teacher tells the girl to try again. The girl thinks real hard ........ "My dad got me a dog," she said. She sat down and a boy got up and said, "I got a choo-choo!" The teacher scolded him and told him to try again. The boy thought hard and said, "I got an electric train!!" That boy sits down and a really shy kid gets up and sadly says, "I got a book" The teacher feels bad for the kid and she asks, "What was the title of the book??" The boy thinks very hard. The class waits as the boy is thinking. Finally, the boys face brightened and he said, "Winnie The Shit!!"

Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the substation,
Not a deputy stirred, they were all on vacation.
The stockings were hung on the wall with great care,
Next to some T-shirts and old underwear.
I was working the night shift compiling stats,
Answering the phone, and feeding the rat.
When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter,
I leapt from my desk to see what was the matter!
I opened the door with a creak and a crick,
And saw a jolly red fat man I knew must be St. Nick.
I had seen his picture a time or two,
He was wanted: Article 27 - Section 342.
I threw open the door and commanded him "Freeze!"

"Put your hands on you head and get down on your knees."
But he turned and he ran, up the chimney he flew,
With me in pursuit, toward Booth St. I knew.
When we got to the roof Santa made for his sleigh,
Throwing down toys and blocking my way.
As I got to the peak, he threw down some crack,
I slipped and I fell landing flat on my back.
To my front I was faced with a toy M-1 tank,
And Pink Power Rangers covering my flank.
"On Dasher, on Dancer!", he cried loud and clear.

Then I got off three rounds and dropped the lead deer.
And I heard Santa say as he sailed into the blue,
"Merry Christmas to all!
My Lawyers will sue!"

You know you have if you...

1. Notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the macaroni salad.
8. You hear a duck quacking, and it's you.
9. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
10. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
11. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
12. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
14. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
15. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
16. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
17. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.

Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for 'equalization' of color combinations on the tree.

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive"?

- Olive ?

- Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

What do you call Santa's Helpers?
→ Subordinate clauses!

What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common?
→ They both have balls just for decoration.