Celebrities — most viewed jokes

Bill's Song

This should be sung to the tune "A Few of My Favorite Things" from the movie "The Sound of Music"

The Bill Clinton version:

My Favorite Things

Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things

Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things

When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad

Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things

Why'd the chicken cross the road?
→ He was attached to Dennis Rodman's head!

What's brown and in a baby's diaper?
→ Michael Jackson's hand!!

How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ Four - one to hold the bulb, and three to drink till the room spins!!

It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God, but to create him. - Arthur C. Clarke
Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's blunders? - Friedrich Nietzsche
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. - Voltaire
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself. - Peter OToole

How does Bill Gates screw in a lightbulb?
→ He doesn't. He declares darkness the industry standard.

- Fan: I've always admired you. Are your teeth your own?

- Actor: Whose do you think they are?

Michael Irvin was complaining to Calvin Williams about his first trip to the Super Bowl and how hard it was to get any sleep the night before the big game. "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a drunk cheerleader banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.

"That's terrible," said Williams. "How'd you ever get any sleep?"

"At five o'clock I finally unlocked the door and let her out," replied Irvin.

• Motor Trend never mentioned a "Chevrolet Caca."
• Manufactured in Zchkynk, Crzyktjkystan.
• Passenger-side "airbag" is actually Rush Limbaugh crammed inside your glove box.
• Two Words: Pontiac Sunkist
• Changing the pre-set radio stations voids the warranty.
• Oil spills on your driveway prompt a visit from Greenpeace.
• Car has spent more time on "60 Minutes" than on the road.
• Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.
• Turn on the wipers and two guys climb out of the trunk with squeegees.
• Disqualified from Soapbox Derby for lack of structural integrity.
• Bicycle pump required to inflate airbags.
• "Jaws of Life" in trunk.
• The hood ornament? An ostrich with its head in the sand.
• When you sit behind the wheel, a nerdy billionaire voice asks, "Where do you want to go today?"
• You realize too late that it is your father's Oldsmobile.
• Ralph Nader's home phone number written on dashboard.
• The telltale green-and-yellow-make-blue Zip-Lok seals on your air bags.

Top Ten Least Popular Stephen King Novels

10. "The Man Who Died of Old Age"
11. "How Cujo Got His Groove Back"
12. "Here's Another One I Cranked Out In An Afternoon"
13. "Vacuumstarter"
14. "The Scary Windowless Corridor Next To The Oval Office"
15. "The Guy Who Accidentally Put Expired Milk In His Coffee --He Didn't Drink It, But What If He Did?"
16. "The Scariest Part of This Book Is My Picture On The Back Cover"
17. "Inside the Kitchen At Your Local T.G.I. Friday's"
18. "Hi I'm Your New Neighbor, Richard Simmons"
19. "Satan's Independent Prosecutor"