Celebrities — most viewed jokes

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Mick Jagger Barbie ...

Mick with Barbie's head...but Mick's lips

Buckwheat from the Little Rascals became a Muslim.

Now they call him Kareem of Wheat!

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My father carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid, there are so many places they can hide."

Top 10 Reasons No One Wants to go into Space with John Glenn again:

10. The horror of seeing the effects of G-Forces on wrinkles.
11. Kept using the Hubble to find his glasses.
12. Everytime he sneezed, his teeth flew out.
13. Forgot where he was each morning, kept grabbing for Scott while calling him "Annie".
14. Constantly complaining about being "Stiff all over" while eyeing Chiaki.
15. Couldn't get him to stop doing the "Viagra" experiment.
16. When warned, "There's a Meteor Shower ahead", he thought they said, "Shower cause he'd peed the bed".
17. Couldn't seem to ever attach his urinal bag properly.
18. There's a real good reason why we call old men "Old Farts".
19. The Prunetang worked, but the Depends didn't.

If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box crashed...
Oh, wait a minute, he already does.

Ex-President Clinton is currently writing a new National Anthem.

It's called, "Yank My Doodle, It's a Dandy."

Who's aardvark's favorite male singer?
→ Frank Sinostril!

Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas.

As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?"
Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis."

The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and step on it." The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!" "Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!"

So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!"

Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you... Thank you very much!"

Why did Elton John wear a nicotine patch on his penis?
→ Because he was trying to cut down to one fag a day!

To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error. - Janet Coleman
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. - Andy Rooney
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. - George Carlin
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. - Paul Beatty
In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. - Joey Adams