Business Jokes — most viewed jokes

Did you hear about the Georgia accountant who absconded with all the accounts payable?

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a news release stating:

"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

• For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day
• Every time you painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car
• Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on
• Occasionally executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you'd have to reinstall the engine
• Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats
• MacIntosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5 per cent of the roads
• The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light
• New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt
• The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off
• Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna
• GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary) even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more (Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department)
• Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car
• You'd press the start button to shut off the engine"

- Customer: You said these pants were pure wool, but the label says "all cotton."

- Salesman: Oh, that's just to keep the moths away.

An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts today."
"Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?"
The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three marriages."

The friend looks at him quizically.
"Seven?" he asks. "I could understand six, but..."
"What do you think" says the rabbi, "that I do this for free?"

Johnny collected lots of money from trick or treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate.

'You should give that money to charity,' said the shopkeeper.

'No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity!'

- Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy?

- No! Tell me about it.

- It smells of $50 dollar bills.

What do you call a rich frog?
→ A gold-blooded reptile.

What's the best way to increase the size of your bank balance?
→ Look at it through a magnifying glass.

Are birth control pills deductible?
→ Only if they don't work.

After their house burned down, Mary Ann, his wife, called the insurance company.

Mary Ann tells the insurance agent, "We had that house insured for one hundred thirty thousand dollars and we want our money."

The agent replies, "Whoa there, just a minute. It doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of your house and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

Mary Ann thought for a moment and then told the agent, "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."