Corporate Lingo Decoded

Here's a little clarification of corporate lingo.

• COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
• JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.
• CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
• MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
• SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
• DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
• MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.
• CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
• APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
• NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
• SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
• PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
• REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
• GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.
• I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.
• I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.
• MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
• I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.
• I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
• I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.
• I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.
• I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.