At Work — most viewed jokes

During a break on a North Dakota office building project, one of the construction workers approached Pyle.

"Ah heard the boys is gonna strike," he said.

"What fer?" asked Pyle.

"Shorter hours."

"Good fer them!" said the redneck. "Ah always did think sixty minutes was too long fer an hour!"

• A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
• After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
• Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
• If at first you don't succeed, don't try again: quit. No use being a complete fool about it.
• If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
• It doesn't matter what you do; it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
• The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
• There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
• When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated, arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had started from scratch.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"How's that?" the would be accountant asked.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much will my position pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty five thousand," responded the owner decisively.

"Eighty five thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry. Now get to fuckin' work!"

Psychiatrist to his nurse:
"Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"

A Soviet journalist walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"
"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.
"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."
No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."

They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says:

"Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?"
"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."

Why did the blond quit his restroom attendant job?
→ He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer!

"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION"
→ You'll be making under $6 an hour.

"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY"
→ You're paid under $6 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

"AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY"
→ There's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.

"PROFIT-SHARING PLAN"
→ Once it's shared among the brass, you get what's left.

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
→ We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
→ We have no time to train you. (and/or) Please introduce yourself to your co-workers.

"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER"
→ Inc. Magazine mentioned us in an article a few years ago.

"IMMEDIATE OPENING"
→ The person who had this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

"SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER"
→ We can't supply you with leads; (and/or) there's no base salary to speak of; (and/or) you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

"SELF-MOTIVATED"
→ Don't expect Management to answer questions

"WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS"
→ After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $35 co-pay.

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning, Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! No hangover! NO bad side effects, Nothing!

Then the phone rings...

It's Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - nothing."

"We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well, there's just one thing...."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No....."

"Well, DON'T - 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!!"

How many bassoonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Only one, but they'll insist on going through about 5 bulbs before they find one that suits this particular room and situation.

How many journalists does it take to change a light bulb?
→ "We just report the facts, we don't change them."