At Work — most viewed jokes

Sighting #1: I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, "sure." The next thing I hear is, "Hey, where do you put the coffee?" I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is (unsuccessfully) trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water.

Sighting #2: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

Sighting #3: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when he asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. He responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing DRIVING???"

Sighting #4: At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Sighting #5: I worked with an individual who plugged his power strip back into itself and for the life of him could not understand why his system would not turn on.

Sighting #6 (a rare "double sighting"): A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font they'd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.

Sighting #7 (from Tech Support):

- Tech Support: How much free space do you have on your hard drive?

- Individual: Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?

Sighting #8 (from Tech Support):

- Individual: Now what do I do?

- Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?

- Individual: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name."

- Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.

- Individual: How do you spell that?

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar.

"Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."

The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here."

"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."

The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer:

"I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"

The Engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."

There were three men working at the top of a building. One was Chinese, one was Mexican, and the other one was Polish. At lunch they went to the edge and the top of the building the Mexican guy pulled out a taco and he said if I get another taco I am gonna jump off this bulding tomorrow. The Chinese guy pulled out fried rice and said if I get fried rice tomorrow I'm gonna jump off with you. The Polish guy pulled out a ham sanwich and said if I get another ham sandwich I'm gonna jump tomorrow with you guys too. The next day the Mexican guy got a taco so he jumped off. The Chinese guy got fried rice so he jumped off. The Polish guy got a ham sandwich so hey jumped off the building. The next day their wives had a triple funeral and the Mexican guy's wife was crying and she said I could have made him a burrito or something. The Chinese guy's wife was cring and said I could have made him some sushi. The Polish guy's wife couldn't stop laughing. The other's asked what was so funny? She stopped for a second and said that he had always made his own lunch.

Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
→ She kept throwing out all the "W"s!

Three firefighters went out on a hunting trip. There was a rookie, a captain, and a chief.
The weather was misrable and they hadn't seen any deer all day. They came across an old shack where they went inside to play a game of poker.
After loosing a couple of hands, the rookie threw down his cards and said "that does it! I am going out to get me a deer." Fifteen minutes later, the rookie came back with a nice four point buck.
The captain and chief asked, "how did you get that?" The rookie replied, "I walked out fifty feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck".
The captain then said, "I've had enough of this I am going to get my deer." He came back a half hour later with a 6-point buck. The chief asked, "how did you get that?" The captain replied, "I walked out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this buck." The chief not wanting to be out done said "I am out of here, I am going to bag the biggest buck of the day." He came back an hour later, all mangled up and bloody. The rookie and captain asked, "what happened to you?"
The chief replied, "I walked out there five hundred feet, followed some tracks, and got hit by a train."

Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm?
→ He kept throwing the bent bananas away.

An office manager was sent three secretaries, equally qualified, to fill one vacancy. "Well," thought the manager, "I'll give them an honesty test to determine which secretary to keep."

To this end, he gave each secretary a money bag to take and bank telling them that there was $50 in the bag. (In fact, he had placed $100 in each bag; thus the honesty test.)

The first secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50 and returns the extra $50 to the manager.

The second secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks the full $100, and returns with a deposit slip as proof.

The third secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50, goes to the local TAB and uses the $50 to win $300, then returns, explains to the manager and gives him the all the money.

Which secretary does the manager select to retain????????
→ Well, DUH!... The one with the biggest breasts!

• You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
• You find humor in other people's stupidity.
• You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
• You believe chocolate is a food group.
• You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
• You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
• You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
• When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
• You have no life between August to June.
• When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.
• You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
• You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
• You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.
• You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
• You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.
• You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
• You know you are in for a major project when a parent says "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."
• You want to choke a person when he or she says "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."
• Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"

What do you get if you cross a ghost and a newsreader?
→ A spooksman!

1. The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a deterrent to its use.
2. Always put the blame on something that can't defend itself. Children, pets, inanimate objects, and relatives living in foreign countries make perfect scapegoats.
3. Whine convincingly.
4. Certain ailments work better than others as excuses. No doctor or machine in the world can prove that you don't have that headache.
5. Try to remember that nature allotted each of us only two grandmothers to attend funerals for.

And now, some excuses:

• I was going to mail it for your birthday, but then I couldn't find it, and by the time I found it, it was too late and I was embarrassed to send it to you.
• The baby threw up all over my dress, and we had to go home first to change.
• I'm taking care of a sick aunt...no, this is a different one.
• The car ran out of gas.
• Well, you never told me I couldn't do that.
• He started it.
• I have jet lag.
• I'd really like to, but my gerbils are having babies tonight.
• I swallowed my gold crown this morning, and I have to wait here until it comes out the other end.
• I missed the bus.
• The alarm didn't go off.
• I couldn't find a parking space.
• The Devil made me do it.
• Drugs made me do it.
• Everybody else does it.
• That's not my department.
• Our computer's down.
• We must have misplaced your original request.
• It's on someone elses desk.
• Don't ask me - I just work here.