At Work — most viewed jokes

Two fellows were sitting in a coffee shop...suddenly the Town's Fire Alarm went off ... one jumped up and headed for the door ... his friend shouted, "Hey, Tom, I didn't know you were a fireman!"
Tom replied, "I'm not, but my girlfriend's husband is..."

How do you put out a fire?
→ Take away the HEAT , FUEL , OXYGEN , or the CHIEF!

Over the weekend, Steve bought a new car. He was so excited about it that he had to take a picture of it to bring to work with him to show everyone. The picture was a Polaroid snapshot of his wife sitting in one of the front seats.

Steve crowed as he showed the picture to co-worker Jim, "It's got power steering, anti-lock brakes, cruise control and a driver's side air bag."

Jim squinted at the picture. Having never seen Steve's wife before, he asked, "Who's that?"

"Oh," said Steve with a grin, "another feature, my passenger-side wind bag!"

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:

• 12% Monday
• 23% Tuesday
• 40% Wednesday
• 20% Thursday
• 5% Friday

How can you tell when the Chief Accountant is getting soft?
→ When he actually listens to Marketing before saying No

Why don't you see blonde pharmacists?
→ They can't get the bottles into the typewriter!

When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher. "Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then depress the trigger to release the foam."
Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.
The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"
In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin -- and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.

Office work dull?...

None of your colleagues appreciate your humour?...

Amuse yourself. Points are awarded on a degree of difficulty basis. You can award yourself extra points for creative execution

One-Point Gags

• Run one lap around the office at top speed
• Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the bathroom at the time)
• When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.
• Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you
• Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye"
• To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
• When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
• Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way"
• Walk sideways to the photcopier.
• While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open

Three-Point Gags

• Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
• Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get All that, I don't want to have to repeat it"
• Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)
• Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
• Shout random numbers while someone is counting

Five-Point Gags

• At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
• Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times
• For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'
• Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two"
• After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamacian accent, as in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour
• While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
• In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up!"
• At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".
• In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights"
• Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
• Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"
• Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can' talk about it"
• Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local resturant. Let him go
• Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
• Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk
• Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
• Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets

- Tower: Lufthansa 893, you're number one, check for workers on the taxiway.

- Pilot: Roger ..... We've checked, they're all working.