At Work — most viewed jokes

If - H 2 O - is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
→ K 9 P

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
→ You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

- Customer: Why is my hairline receding?

- Barber: It's not. Your scalp is advancing.

A man walks in for a sale rep job. He is very qualitfied, but he has a nervous twitch, and his left eye is always winking. So he speaks with the manager and the manager says, "Well sir, you are very well qualified for the job, but people have to be comfortable around a sales rep. and that eye thing is really freaky." The man smiles and says, "Oh that, I just take some Tylenol and it goes away."

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a condom, he takes several more condoms out and finally finds some Tylenol. He takes two Tylenol and the eye twitch goes away. The manager frowns, "Sir, I'm sorry but our company does not like womanizers. I don't like the look of all those condoms." The man chuckles, "Oh, I'm no womanizer... but do you know how hard it is to buy Tylenol at a drug store with your eye contantly winking?"

What kind of ears do pumpers have?
→ Engineers.

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

1. I can see your point, but you're still full of crap.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronouce.
3. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
4. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
5. Ahh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
8. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
9. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
11. This isn't and office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
12. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
15. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

And here's a bonus funny from: Siglets.com

Sometimes ... when you cry ... no one sees your tears ...

Sometimes...when you are worried....no one sees your pain...

Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile ...

But fart just one time...

- The auditors have just left, sir.

- Did they check the books?

- Very thoroughly.

- What did they say?

- They want 15% to keep quiet.

A farmer was interviewing a young man for the job of assistant farmhand.

"You'll need to be fit," said the farmer. "Have you ever had any illnesses? Any accidents?"

"No, sir," replied the young man proudly.

"But you're on crutches. You must have had an accident!" said the farmer.

"Oh, the crutches!" said the young man. "A bull tossed me last week. But that wasn't an accident! He did it on purpose!"

An internal auditor for a manufacturing group was concerned about anomalies in stock levels. He thought someone might be pinching stock but he couldn't prove it. He had his eye on one shifty-looking individual who every day drove his old truck out of the factory with the load covered by a tarpaulin. Time after time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him remove the tarpaulin and then inspected the load. On every occasion there was only scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to the tip. On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the tarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there might be stolen stock hidden underneath. Nothing. He could never find anything amiss.

After a few months of this the auditor was offered a better job elsewhere and resigned. A few weeks later he was drinking in a pub when the shifty character walked in. On an impulse the auditor went up to him and said, "Look, I've left the company, I'm not interested in taking it any further and I won't shop you, but I just have to know. What were you taking?"

And the bloke said "Tarpaulins."