At Work — most viewed jokes

Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to Boudreaux and said "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the local man the job." Boudreaux said "Why you gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?"

The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed."

Boudreaux asked "An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo betta dan da otter?"

The manager replied, "Simple, the local man put down on question #5, 'I don't know,' you put down, 'neither do I.'"

What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
→ Invite an accountant.

- Tech Support: How may I help you today, sir?

- Customer: Hello...hey, er... I think I've got the wrong software installed in my computer.

- Tech Support: Why is that, sir?

- Customer: I bought this minitower system from you, and it came loaded with software called the 'XYZ Desktop'.

- Tech Support: Yes...?

- Customer: Shouldn't it be called the 'XYZ Minitower'? I OBVIOUSLY have the wrong software installed in this computer.

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
And since: Knowledge = Power
And: Time = Money
It is therefore true that Knowledge = Work / Money
Solving this equation for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

New Words for the 2000s

Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in a divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Tourists - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."

Dancing Baloney - Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."

Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in."

Nyetscape - Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.

PEBCAK - Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard." (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is ID10T: "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system.")

Square-headed Girlfriend - Another word for a computer. The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a "computer widow."

How many maintenance programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None. They try to fix the old one.

"We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months?"

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

• In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
• On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
• Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."
• In a non-smoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
• On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
• On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
• At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
• On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
• On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
• On a butcher's window, "You can beat our prices, but you can't beat our meat."
• On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
• At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
• Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
• In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."
• On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
• In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
• At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
• In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
• In a Beauty Shop, "We curl up and Dye for you."
• On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
• In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
• Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
• In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

A blonde was filling out a job application form. She quickly filled out the columns entitled: Name, Age, Address, etc. Finally, she came to the column: Salary Expected. She wrote, "YES."

- Customer: How do I print my voicemail?