At Work — most viewed jokes

What kind of sharks make good carpenters?
→ Hammerheads!

From the pilot during his welcome message:

"We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.

We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!

A business man was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "Twenty-two."

The second was a social worker. She said, "I don't know the answer but I'm glad we had time to discuss this important question."

The third applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?"

The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door and closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

He got the job.

Did you hear about the rabbit who got a job in a watch factory?
→ Alike did was stand around making faces.

- Customer: I'm running Windows '95.

- Tech: Yes.

- Customer: My computer isn't working now.

- Tech: Yes, you said that.

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know," said the Branch Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

The boss of a large company says to his protege: "I'm transferring you to the northern office."

The protege says: "But that place is full of whores and football players!"

The boss replies: "My wife used to live there!"

The protege quickly responds: "Really?? What position does she play?"

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work. - Robert Frost
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse - Dennis Miller
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? - Edgar Bergen
Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished. - Leslie Nielsen
The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job. - Slappy White
I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'. - Robert Paul
It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up. - Muhammad Ali
A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error. - Dennis Miller
I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. - Jerome K Jerome

A Blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The Blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day.. we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The Blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the Blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the Blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the Blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the Blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"