At Work — most viewed jokes

Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile lots ofdocuments on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. .

Can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.

Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem:
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
4. Problem Severity: A. Minor _ B. Minor _ C. Minor _ D. Trivial _
5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up _ B. Frozen _ C. Hung _ D. Strange Smell _
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes _ No _
7. Is it turned on? Yes _ No _
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes _ No _
9. Have you made it worse? Yes __
10. Have you had a friend who knows all about computers. Try to fix it for you? Yes _ No _
11. Did they make it even worse? Yes __
12. Have you read the manual? Yes _ No _
13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe _ No _
14. Are you absolutely you've read the manual? No __
15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes _ No _
16. If Yes, then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself.
17. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
18. If you answered nothing, then explain why you were logged in?
19. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes _ No _
20. Does the clock on your home VCR blink 12:00? Yes _ What's a VCR? _
21. Do you have a copy of PCs for Dummies? Yes _ No _
22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes _ No _
23. Do you have any electronics products that DO work? Yes _ No _
24. Is there anyone else you could blame this problem on? Yes _ No _
25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes _ No _
26. Is the machine on fire? Yes _ Not Yet _
27. Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes __

I work as a systems administrator, and part of my job involves answering questions about computers. I generally like my job, but sometimes it gets on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I tell them:

Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea (substitute "furniture store" if you don't know what "Ikea" is). You get a phone call that goes like this.

- Customer: I'd like to buy a kitchen table.

- You: That's fine; we have many styles of kitchen tables, I'm sure you can find one you like.

- Customer: I need one that's 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top.

- You: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today.

- Customer: OK, how can I get it back to my house?

- You: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack. We can loan you a roof rack if you don't have one.

- Customer: But how do get there?

- You: We're just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from?

- Customer: Wait, wait, you're going way too fast for me. I have a Ford in my driveway, and the keys are in my hand. What do I do next?

And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the same:

- Customer: But all I want is a kitchen table! Why does it have to be so COMPLICATED!

- Peter: My brother wants to work badly!

- Anita: As I remember, he usually does!

Actual dialog of a former Customer Support employee:

- Support: Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?

- Customer: Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.

- Support: What sort of trouble?

- Customer: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

- Support: Went away?

- Customer: They disappeared.

- Support: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

- Customer: Nothing.

- Support: Nothing?

- Customer: It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.

- Support: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

- Customer: How do I tell?

- Support: Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?

- Customer: What's a sea-prompt?

- Support: Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

- Customer: There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.

- Support: Does your monitor have a power indicator?

- Customer: What's a monitor?

- Support: It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

- Customer: I don't know.

- Support: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?

- Customer: ...... Yes, I think so.

- Support: Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

- Customer: ...... Yes, it is.

- Support: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

- Customer: No.

- Support: Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.

- Customer: ...... Okay, here it is.

- Support: Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.

- Customer: I can't reach.

- Support: Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?

- Customer: No.

- Support: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

- Customer: Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark.

- Support: Dark?

- Customer: Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

- Support: Well, turn on the office light then.

- Customer: I can't.

- Support: No? Why not?

- Customer: Because there's a power outage.

- Support: A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?

- Customer: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

- Support: Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

- Customer: Really? Is it that bad?

- Support: Yes, I'm afraid it is.

- Customer: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

- Support: Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.

A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee.

The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner.

The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty. As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee. The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full.

After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?" The man says, "Two's fine." She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup. "And cream?" she asks. The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "You wouldn't dare!"

Telegram received from ex-employee:"Fuck you. I quit. Strong message to follow."

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: "Have you ever been arrested?"

He answered no to the question.

The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question with a yes, was "why?" Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it "Never got caught."

A construction worker was whistling and verbally harassing a young girl as she walked by the construction site.

She completely ignored him, and just kept on walking.

Annoyed the worker yelled "Well you're an ugly bitch anyway!"

The girl turned around and replied "It must be terrible when even an ugly bitch won't give you the time of day?"

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

"Well," the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."