At Work — most viewed jokes

What is the difference between a toilet and Convienience Store Clerk?

A toilet only has to deal with one asshole at a time.

Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there aremany people around, giving the impression that you arevery hard pressed.

The company president called the chief security guard into his office. "Chuck, we've received a complaint from one of the employees that you are making obscene sexual comments and putting your hands where they don't belong. These unwanted advances will have to stop." Chuck looked down at his feet and mumbled, "I'm sorry, Sir. I won't do it again." The company president said, "I'm sure Ms. Jones will be happy to hear that." Chuck's face lit up. "Ms Jones?!!!! I was afraid that Bob in Accounting was complaining!!!!"

"When a customer comes into the shop, be very polite to them and try to put a little poetry into it when you're talking to them."

The youth says that he does not see what the pharmacist means by this, so the pharmacist says that he should observe when the next customer comes in and watch how he or she is dealt with.

Presently a middle aged woman comes in to the shop and asks for something for a tummy bug.

The pharmacist says, "There's a lot of that virus going about, but this pink mixture should sort you out!"

"Oh thank you very much!" says the middle aged woman and she leaves the shop.

So the pharmacist says the youth can serve the next customer while he goes to tea break, "And remember to put some poetry into it" he says.

Anyway, the youth waits around and nobody comes in, so he decides to go to the restroom. Just as he's about to nip off, a young teenage girl comes in.

"Can I help you?" he asks. She replies very embarrassedly that she would like to buy some sanitary towels, to which the youth replies: "Hang on Miss, I'm dying for a piss, but I'll be back in a flash, with a sash for your gash!"

A Manager of a retail clothing store is reviewing a potentialemployee's application and notices that the man has neverworked in retail before.

He says to the man, "For a man with no experience, you arecertainly asking for a high wage."

"Well Sir," the applicant replies, "the work is so much harderwhen you don't know what you'redoing!"

The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.

The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, Iknow we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expectyou to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. The boss pressed on, " Who told you you could come and go as youplease around here ?" Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,...."

My lawyer."

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

How do you get 20 vice presidents in a mini-van?
→ Promote one and watch the other 19 crawl up his ass.

Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer,it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send andreceive personal e-mail, calculate your finances andgenerally have a blast without doing anything remotelyrelated to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefitsthat the proponents of the computer revolution would like totalk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught byyour boss -and you will get caught - your best defence isto claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thussaving valuable training dollars.

Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile lots ofdocuments on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. .

Can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.