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From "Machine Design" Magazine......

Byte Bat

All too often, computers aren't up when you need them, or some sort of system error costs you a lot of time and effort. Hitting a computer or terminal with anything substantial can be satisfying, but expensive. That's where the Byte Bat comes in.

It is a foam rubber baseball bat, 17 in. long, that may give you a harmless but satisfying way in which to "strike back" at computers.

Specially designed to serve as a frustration shunt, the Byte Bat is compatible with all computers and operating systems, making it the first universally compatible foamware. Each Byte Bat comes with a complete user's manual, one genuine "Byte Bat User Button," one multi-color poster showing the device in use, and a warning decal that advises all who approach that "This computer-friendly liveware is protected by Byte Bat."

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife.

So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".

Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same building. One was 40 years old, the other over 70. They rode on the elevator together at the end of an unbearable hot, sticky day. The younger man was completely done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior was fresh as a daisy. "I don't understand," he marveled, "how you can listen to drooling patients from morning till night on a day like this and still look so spry and unbothered when it's over."

The older analyst said simply, "Who listens?"

15 Signs You Forgot Someone On Secretaries Day

1. Phone messages delivered on end of spear.
2. Your important dictation somehow seems to blah blah blah I am a slave-driving cheapskate.
3. A copy of the latest bestseller "So, Your Head's Up Your Ass, Now What?" appears on your desk.
4. When did FTD start doing an "Up Yours" Bouquet?
5. First, a message that Cindy Crawford is on line 2, followed a few seconds later by Satanic laughter.
6. It's not so much the cold coffee, it's the staples at the bottom of the cup.
7. Your big business dinner at the Four Seasons Restaurant in Manhattan is rescheduled for Big Jeb's 24-Hour Truck Stop outside of Newark, New Jersey.
8. Nude picture of Marlon Brando pops up in your Powerpoint presentation.
9. Supposedly shredded Whitewater documents turn up in the Washington Post cafeteria.
10. Now answers the phone, "Smith, Jones and Tighta**."
11. That NY-to-LA trip she booked for you now involves six plane changes, a 12-hour layover in Guam and a personal appearance on Ricki Lake's "I'm A Selfish Pig" episode.
12. Newly-typed organization chart lists your position as "Head Up His Ass."
13. Your computer's mouse has been replaced by an electro-genital shock device.
14. While admittedly funnier than usual, daily Top 5 list she forwards you contains 15 identical "You suck!" entries.
15. Expense report you don't recall submitting comes back with denied charges for "beer & hookers."

A fire broke out in a six story apartment building last week in a near by town. A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette escaped the flames by climbing up onto the roof.
When the fire department arrived they got out a blanket held it up and the Chief called out to the brunette to jump into the blanket.
The brunette jumped. As she was falling 'swoosh' the firefighters pulled the blanket away and she landed on the street like a brick.
The firefighters then held the blanket back up and the Chief told the redhead to jump.
"No way! I saw what you did to my friend." exclaimed the redhead.
"I am sorry" said the Chief, "My wife was a brunette and she divorced me. I just don't like brunettes. We have no problems with redheads....jump it's your only chance."
So the redhead jumped.
On the way down 'swoosh' the firefighters pulled the blanket away and she hit the pavement like a tomato!"
The firefighters again held up the blanket and the Chief told the blonde to jump.
The fire was getting worse and her only chance of survival was to jump.
"No I am not jumping. I saw what you did to my two friends."
"I'm sorry" said the Chief, "I explained what happened to the brunette and when the redhead jumped we were a little distracted. It will not happen again, just jump!"
The blonde thought for a moment. "OK I'll jump - but first I want you to lay the blanket on the ground, back away, and then I'll jump into it."

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.

In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.

In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

Three men: an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami.

They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour.
Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, "the deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours.

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.
11. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.
12. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
13. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
14. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.
15. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"
16. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.
17. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons
18. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
19. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."

The Volunteer Fire Chief in a small town had just been buried. The last words of the service over, his friends and family started toward their cars.
However, they stopped because a strange, eerie sound suddenly was heard from the grave.
As the guests looked around, a colleague of the deceased said, "Don't worry... it's just the dispatcher toning him out."

What did the fireman's wife get for Christmas?
→ A ladder in her stocking!