Random joke from this category
The plumber was working in a house when the lady of the house said to him, "Will it be alright if I have a bath while you're having your lunch?"
"It's okay with me lady," said the plumber, "as long as you don't splash my sandwiches."
Mr. Jones had hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. While taking dictation one morning, she noticed that his fly was open. Upon leaving the room she said, "Mr. Jones, your barracks door is open."
He was puzzled by her remark, but later that day he noticed that his zipper was open. So, he decided to have a little fun with his secretary and called her back into his office. "By the way Miss Smith," he said, "When you noticed my barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention ?"
"Why no sir," she replied, "All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
Casual Fridays:
Week 1 - Memo No. 1
Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.
Week 3 - Memo No. 2
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Week 6 - Memo No. 3
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Week 8 - Memo No. 4
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Week 9 - Memo No. 5
As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.
Week 14 - Memo No. 6
The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Week 18 - Memo No. 7
Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.
Week 20 - Memo No. 8
Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately.
The Life Cycle of Software
Thoughts and stories from on the job
My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary. He said in a rage, "Is this what you get paid for ?" I told him, "Nope ! I do this for free."
This same boss was into all this dumb inspirational and motivation stuff too. I remember once he posted a sign which read "Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday." I couldn't resist and added a note: "And now you know why too".
Once I came upon this pretty new temp standing in front of the paper shredder with a confused look on her face. I asked if she needed any help and she said, "Yeah, how does this thing work ?" I took the papers from her hand and demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet another confused expression, so I said, "Any questions ?" She said, "Yeah, exactly where do the copies come out from ?"
People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah ??? When's the last time ya ever heard of anyone who "rested to death".
Being punctual in our Office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never anybody around to appreciate it.
Our Office was always on the cutting edge of technology. Not only did we have computers which spoke as well as listened; Hell, some of them even got ulcers.
Did ya ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that they don't have enuff time to do all their work.
As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired assistant into his office. "Do you know what time we quit around here ?" he asked.
"Sure !" the girl nervously giggled. "Whenever somebody knocks on the door."
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself." And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
One night, a few co-workers at the computer data centre where I work stayed late and we all started to get hungry. We decided to order in food by phone, but our boss thought that, since we work with computers, it would be more appropriate to order by Internet. After we contacted a fast food chain's web site and spent a long time registering as new customers for the delivery service, a message appeared on the screeen: "Thank you for your business. You will be able to order food in three days."
As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired red-headed assistant into his office. "Do you know what time we quit around here ?" he asked.
"Sure !" the girl nervously giggled. "Whenever somebody knocks on the door."
A blonde goes for a job interview in an office.
The interviewer decides to start with the basics.
'So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?' The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!'
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can you tell us your height, please?' The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, 'Five foot two!'
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?' The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, 'Mandy!'
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?'
'Ohh that!', replies the blonde, 'That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''
