At Work — most viewed jokes

The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him. "She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number. "She leaves her name," was the reply. After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. "How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked. "L-O-W C-E-L-L"

Another problem solved.

Top 25 Engineer's Terms and Expressions (What they say versus what they mean)

• A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.)
• Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)
• An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.)
• Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)
• Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)
• Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)
• Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)
• The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.)
• It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)
• We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)
• Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this.)
• Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)
• Give us your interpretation. (We can't wait to hear your bull.)
• See me or let's discuss. (Come to my office, I've messed up again.)
• All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)
• Rugged. (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.)
• Robust! (Rugged, but more so)
• Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged)
• Years of development. (One finally worked)
• Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)
• No maintenance. (Impossible to fix)
• Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix)
• Fax me the data. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)
• We are following the standard! (That's the way we have always done it!)
• I didn't get your e-mail. (I haven't checked my e-mail for days.)

An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do." One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard." Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster than it does today ??
→ We would get our paycheck everyday, and all women would bleed to death...

Mary came back from lunch to find that all the girls in the office had removed their clothes and were lying on the floor naked. She lost no time in taking off her dress and joining them, but as soon as she laid down the girl on her right hissed, "Turn over, Mary - this is a stock up, not an office party!"

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.

"What did you take?" his priest asked.

"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."

"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"

"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.

"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much," said the nun.

"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade," said the company spokeswoman.

Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is 'fucking shovel!'"

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.

"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

"Down at the office," he replied, "working like a dog."