Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

How do you make a dog float?
→ Take two scoops of ice cream, a couple of squirts of soda and a small dog.

What is the dogs favourite city?
→ New Yorkie!

The swing doors of the Wild West saloon crashed open and in came Little Pete, black with fury.

- All right! - he raged

- all right! Who did it? What goldarned varmint painted my horse blue?

The huge figure of Black Jake, notorious gunfighter and town baddie rose from a chair by the door.

- It was me, shrimp - he drawled, bunching his gigantic fists

- what about it?

- Oh, well, er - stammered little Pete wretchedly

- all I wanted to say was. . .when are you going to give it another coat?

Why wouldn't anyone play with the little longhorn?
→ He was too much of a bully!

Why did Bossy tell the cowpoke to leave her calf alone?
→ She thought children should be seen and not herded!

How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?
→ Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!

What do snakes have on their bath towels?
→ Hiss and Hers!

What should you do if you find a snake sleeping in your bed?
→ Sleep in the wardrobe!

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health.

Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary:

- Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?

The missionary says:

- Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop.

Not paying much attetion, the man says:

- Sure, ok.

So he gets on the horse and says:

- Thank God and the horse starts walking.

Then he says:

- Thank God, thank God, and the horse starts trotting.

Feeling really brave, the man says:

- Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God and the horse just takes off.

Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop.

- Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!

Finally he remembers:

- Amen!!

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says:

- Thank God.

What's a mouse's favourite record?
→ Please cheese me!