Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

How can you tell if an elephant's been to your birthday party?
→ Look for his footprints in the ice cream.

Two men were out hunting in the woods. One of them was a fanatical huntsman and he went hunting as often as he could.

The other was his friend who is a peaceful nature loving fellow, who didn't really want to hurt anything.

They had been out in the woods for some time, when they picked up the tracks of a deer. They soon caught up with it, and when they saw it, it was obvious why it had been so easy to catch up to - it had a terrible infection over it's left eye, which it couldn't even see out of.

The hunter started to take aim with his shotgun, but his friend begged him to stop:

- Hey! - he said.

- Can't you see that's a bad eye deer?

What happened when the slave put his head into a lions mouth to count how many teeth he had?
→ The lion closed its mouth to see how many heads the slave had!

Why are mosquitoes annoying?
→ Because they get under your skin.

Why couldn't the Gorilla pitcher make it in the major leagues?
→ His balk was worse than his bite!

Why did the toad become a lighthouse keeper?
→ He had his own frog horn!

How do you communicate with a fish?
→ You drop it a line!

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.

- You simpleton! - the officer barked.

- Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?

- Yes sir - the solder answered apologetically.

- But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches. But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, 'Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' ---that did it!

• Make the world your playground.
• Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps.
• If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
• When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.
• Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
• Nap often.
• When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
• Life is hard, and then you nap.
• Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
• Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them, and play with them when they're busy.
• Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there.
• Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
• Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care".

What are the pigs warned to look out for in New York?
→ Pigpockets.