Random joke from this category
A grasshopper walks into a bar and says:
- Bartender, give me a drink.
The bartender can't believe his eyes and says:
- Oh my Gosh, I can't believe this, you're a talking grasshopper!
- Do you know we have drink named after you?
The Grasshopper replies:
- You have a drink named Steve?
Where would you put an injured insect ?
→ In an antbulance !
Donald Duck walked into a drugstore & asked for a packet of condoms.
- Certainly, sir - said the lady behind the counter, shall I put them on your bill?
- NO WAY! - replied Donald Duck, What do you think I am, a Dickhead?!
A little old lady went to the grocery store & put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl:
- Nothing but the best for my little kitten.
The girl at the cash register said:
- I'm sorry, but we can't sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, & the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat & brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day, the old lady went to the store & bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food.
Frustrated, she went home, came back & brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies.
The next day, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said:
- No - you might have a snake in there.
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her.
So, the cashier put her finger into the box & pulled it out & told the little old lady:
- That smells like crap.
The little old lady grinned from ear to ear:
- Now, my dear, can I please buy 3 rolls of toilet paper?
A lady approaches her priest and tells him:
- Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.
- What do they say? - the priest inquired.
- They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'
- That's terrible! - the priest exclaimed:
- but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.
- Thank you! - the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say:
- Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims:
- Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts:
- Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!
The panda yells back at the manager:
- Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:
- A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:
- He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab:
- Sorry I took so long - he says:
- Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
Where does an elephant carry its laptop?
→ In its trunk.
A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west and siddles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"
What do you get when you mix a dinosaur and a lesbian?
→ A Lickalotapuss!
