Most viewed jokes

A young man was walking into town one day when a wood hauler gave him a ride.

After traveling about a mile or two, the truck was stopped by the highway patrol for a weight check and inspection.

The truck inspection revealed the truck had slick tires; no horn; no head, tail or signal lights; no windshield wipers. Also, it was overloaded and had bad brakes.

- Mister - the patrolman said to the driver.

- I think the best way to charge you is 'hauling wood without a truck.'

- Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market, - said the man.

- Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically, - remarked his friend.

- I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me.

After accepting an invitation to dance with a rather prematurely balding man a young woman wants to lighten the mood and says, "Honey, God was good to you, gave you a handsome face and room for another one."

What do you get if you cross a bike and a rose?
→ Bicycle petals!

What do you call a 100 year old ant?
→ An antique!

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

On a busy day, on a busy corner, there is a big accident in which there is a victim. The man who has been injured request for a priest.

The police officer on the scene turns around and ask if there is a priest in the crowd. Nobody answers. The man still cryes out:

- A priest, a priest please.

The officer once again turns around and ask if there is a priest in the crowd. Suddenly, an old jewish rabby comes up and say:

- Officer, I'm a old 70 years old Rabbi, but I've lived for 20 years behind St. Patrick church. Every night I hear them in their prayers. Maybe I can help.

So the officer bring the Rabbi to the dying man. The Rabbi kneels down and addresses these following words to the dying man:

- B1-I18-N44-G56-O75

Yo Mama is so fat that when she sleeps around the house, she sleeps AROUND the house.

What is the ultimate rejection?
→ When you are masturbating and your hand falls asleep!

A Pole, English, and French guy are running away from the German soldiers when they come up to a forest and they decide to hide by each climbing a tree. When the Germans arrive, they go to the first tree where the English guy is, and shout:

- We know you're up there; come down.

The English guy, thinking fast, says:

- Twit, twit, twit...

The Germans, thinking that it's a bird, move on to the next tree where the French guy is and once again shout:

- We know you're up there; come down.

The French guy, thinking fast, says:

- Woo, woo, woo...

The Germans, thinking that it's an owl, move on to the next tree where the Polish guy is and once again shout:

- We know you're up there; come down.

The Polish guy thinks for a while and then says:

- Moo, moo, moo...