Most viewed jokes

If a light sleeper sleeps lighter with the light on, does a hard sleeper sleep harder with a hard on?

Have you ever seen Pop Idol? One point it was held at an esso gas station.

This irishman came on to do a song. He stood next to the diesel pump, lit the place up and it exploded.

He started singing "I'm Still Standing"!

An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, "I don't know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market crashed, and I'm afraid we're broke."

The wife says, "No, we're not. Let's go for a drive into town."

Husband replies, "Our savings are all gone and you want is to go for a drive? Oh well, whatever. I guess you're crazier than me." So off they go into town.

When they get there the wife points and says, "See that office building? We own that."

Husband thinks his wife is nuts so he mumbles something unintelligible and drives to the next area of the city, which just happens to be the richest part of town.

Wife says again pointing, "See those five houses? We own those."

Husband is now sure his wife is certifiably crazy so he says, "What makes you think we own all this property?"

Wife replies, "Remember when we first got married and for jokes you would give me $5.00 every time we had sex? Well, I kept the money and invested it and 20 years later this is what has become of it all. Not bad, eh?"

Husband says, "Dammit woman, if I'd known you were this good with money I'd have probably given you all my business."

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other.

After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment.

"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."

"Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget.

The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her.

Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.

"If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
→ One less drunk.

A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence.

They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."

A guest from some foreign country was bragging that in HIS country there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.

Ray listened patiently.

- That's amazing. Where I come from there's really only one.

"Oh," sniffed the Romeo, "just one? And which way is that?"

- Well, there's a man and there's a woman . . .

"Praise Allah!!! Number 80!!!"

What did the slug say as he slipped down the wall?
→ How slime flies!

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
→ From a catalogue.

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".