Most viewed jokes

What do you call a blonde in the freezer?
→ A Frosted Flake.

What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post?
→ A goal post that can't march.

How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
→ A goalpost that can't march.

How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
→ Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.

How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
→ "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."

How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
→ Have them miss every other note.

What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
→ You can tune a '57 Chevy.

How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
→ "Hi. I played that last year."

why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
→ breasts don't have eyes

What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
→ A tea bag.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
→ Gifted!

How do blonde braincells die?
→ Alone.

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
→ Pregnant.

How do you brainwash a blonde?
→ Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
→ Artificial intelligence.

Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
→ Because they can't even keep two calves together!

What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
→ Nothing. They've never met.

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
→ Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
→ After a dye job.

Why did God create blondes?
→ Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
→ So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
→ To turn the blinker off.

Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
→ She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
→ She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Why do blondes wear their hair up?
→ To catch everything that goes over their heads.

45 Cool Things To Do In A College Dorm Shower Stall

1. Enter the stall, shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, "I didn't know I had one of THOSE!"
2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure you clothes get all wet & soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed all over.
3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.
4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luthor's evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower.
5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim "Ow, you know, it really hurts when you pop one of those." Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.
6. Look over the edge to the person showering next to you, giggle, and then return to your side, whistling the tune "It's a Small World After All."
7. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall returns it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.
8. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.
9. Bring a chunk of sodium metal. Leave it in the stall for the next person showering.
10. Stand in the bathroom, waiting for would-be shower-goers. When they come in, tell them "Not to do it" and ask them "Not to give in to sin". Wail mournfully when they step into the shower.
11. Initiate a war with the person in the stall next to you. Use the residue water on the floor as your battle medium, and float little battleship over to their side. If they kick them back or throw them over the edge, exclaim that you didn't know they had the power of God and sheepishly mumble prayers for the duration of your shower.
12. Bring in a fake finger. Float it down the drainage "ditch". Ask if someone would be so kind as to return it to you. If no one does, tell them that the finger has been sacrificed to Satan and that the shower stalls are now possessed. Hang Halloween decorations and crepe-paper ghosts from them the next day.
13. Bang your head against the stall wall, shouting "Redrum! Redrum!" in your best groggy voice.
14. Bring a Yoo-Hoo to the shower with you. Complain about a stomachache, then moan "Ohhhh, um, uh-oh", and pour the Yoo-Hoo down the drain "ditch" for all to see.
15. Before you turn the shower on, make a noise like you are charging up a proton pack from Ghostbusters. Before you turn it off, ask Egon to set the trap up for you.
16. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground.
17. Bring dead fish into the shower with you. Let them float down the drainage "ditch", complaining about the quality of water these days.
18. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of "Old McDonald Had A Farm", making the sound of their animal in the stall.
19. Turn the stall into a shrine for a pagan god. Call him Weeshy. Insist that anyone who uses that stall must tithe to receive his benefence and glory. If they don't tithe, avoid them for the rest of your life.
20. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the Communists are taking over. Bang battle sounds, including bombs, bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declared victory. Leave wounded.
21. Levitate. If anyone complains, tell them that they are breaking your concentration and just because they have bad karma doesn't give them the right to spread it.
22. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving.
23. Bring in a bucket, fill it with water, and float a bar of soap in it. Charge a fee for people to see the Wicked Witch of the West bathing nude. Threaten anyone who laughs at you with flying monkeys.
24. Start singing Pavarotti really loud. In the middle, stop, stutter for a second, and then exclaim "Ohmigosh...do you know what these words REALLY mean?"
25. Walk in a man. Come out a woman. Complain that there are men in the bathroom.
26. Suck on the faucet head until you fill up with water. Complain that they Seven Chinese Brothers get no respect OR pretend to be a fountain.
27. Wet your head, and then sneak into a toilet stall. Flush the bowl and wait a minute. Walk out of the stall lurching, complaining about how dizzy you are.
28. Buy a bunch of those tiny animal-pills that expand into full, spongy shape when they get wet. Bring them into the shower and spill them into the ditch. Ask somebody for your pills back, and when they hand little animals, scream, slap them, and run away.
29. Make your best Psycho noise (reeEENT reeEENT...)
30. Try to get everyone in the other stalls to sing in four-part harmony with you. If this actually works, change your voice part every three measures.
31. Role-play with the guy in the stall next to you. If he claims to have rolled a natural 20, call him a liar and fire your bottle of shampoo on to his side. Complain about oily hair for the rest of the day.
32. Become a shower-pirate. Loot other stalls of soap, Oxy pads, and -Tips. Bury them under the tile floor. Fire cannons at people using the toilet stalls.
33. Scream out that your washcloth is attacking you, then fall to the floor and cover your face with it. Lie there for 2 hours. Three days later have a little washcloth pop out of your stomach and errorize the school.
34. Bring SCUBA gear into the shower with you. Talk to Cousteau. Upon leaving, tell everyone that the Titanic was actually torpedoed by the Germans.
    Be cocky.
35. Hum for a couple of moments, stop, make a "Mmm!" sound, and then announce to everyone that the mildew on the shower walls kind of tastes like head cheese.
36. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.
37. Steal everyone's clothes from the changing compartment. Go into their rooms and take all their other clothes. Donate to a needy organization.
38. Hang "Marisa Cevasco steals Homecoming Queen Crown" signs in all the stalls. If anyone asks who Marisa Cevasco is, call them ignorant and ignore them for the rest of your life.
39. Bring in Sesame Street bath books. Read them aloud. Giggle everytime Bert walks in on Ernie bathing.
40. Stare at people's feet as they bathe. If they do not wash their feet, tell them so. If this happens a second time, steal their shoes and tell them that they left on strike. If they do wash their feet and fall down while doing it, laugh hysterically.
41. Stand outside the shower curtain, raise a harpoon, and shout "I'm coming for you, Moby!". Run in and do battle with the faucet-head. Walk out a pegleg.
42. Charge a toll for people wanting to use the shower. If they complain, light them on fire. Then they'll pay.
43. Hook up your shower-heads to a local dairy-farm. If anyone complains about the washing facilities, tell them that they should be thankful for a wholesome, pasturized, vitamins A & D fortified wash. Call them ingrates.
44. Put an electric eel in the water heater. Laugh everytime someone gets a shock. Call them glowworms.
45. Set up a slip and slide into the shower. Hurt yourself everytime you bump into the wall. Complain that your favorite physics professor shuts gravity off at the wrong times always.

What did the lawyer name his daughter?
→ Sue.

Three men walk into a bar and the barman says, "If you can sit in my basement for a day I'll give you free beer forever." So the first man says, "Easy. I can do that." But he walks out after five minutes and says, "It's impossible, you got a swarm of flies in there." So the second man tries his luck, but can't take more than 10 minutes. Finally the third man goes in and comes out a day later. The others ask him how he did it. He said, "Easy. I took a dump in one corner and sat in the other corner!"

There was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead standing on the beach. They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some dicussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.

One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers just off the English coast she decided that they couldn't be far behind so sat on the beach looking out to sea waiting for the other two. After a cold night of waiting, the Brunette finally came into sight. "What took you so long?" inquired the Redhead.

"There were some strong currents out there! But I'm here now! Am I the last?" replied the Brunette.

"No. Blondie is still out there somewhere." They decided to wait.

Day after day the two swimmers sat on the beach until on the 5th day Blondie came into view. Once on dry land the Brunette asked the blonde "What took you so long?"

"What do you expect? You guy's cheated," replied the idignant blonde, "You used your hands!"

What happened to the man who turned into an insect?
→ He just beetled off!