Most viewed jokes

A blonde was standing in front of a pop machine. Her boyfriend looks over and hears her screaming at the machine...:

- You're a dumb-looking button!

- You don't have much of a future, either!

- You're going to be replaced by a much better looking button!

- I've got better looking buttons than you in my dresser drawer!

Thinking she flipped her lid, her boyfriend walks over to see what the fuss is about.

- What in the heck are you doing? - her boyfriend asks.

The blonde quickly points to the sign on the front of the machine that reads...:

- DEPRESS BUTTON FOR ICE.

Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of1901.

The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog.

Fortunately, it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it.

A man was complaining to a friend:

- I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!

- What happened? - asked the friend.

- My wife found out...

Why are men and spray paint alike?
→ One squeeze and they're all over you.

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language, natch).

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution.

- Honey - she signs,

- Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife:

- Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.

- And if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife:

- Where did you get that necklace?

She replies:

- I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.

The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks:

- Where did you get the bracelet?

She replies:

- I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.

The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says:

- I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?

She replies:

- Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper.

Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband:

- HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub.

He replies:

- I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet.

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign in the office of a Roman doctor:

- Specialist in women and other diseases.

Sign in a Tokyo shop:

- Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

Sign from a Japanese booklet about using a hotel air CONDITIONER:

- COOLERS AND HEATERS: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

Two signs from a Morrocan shop entrance:

- English well talking.

- Here speeching American.

Sign at a Budapest zoo:

- Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Sign from a translated sentence from a Russian chess book:

- A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire:

- Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn't worth anything - gas is!

Sign on the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

- Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

- I can't believe it - said the tourist.

- I've been here an entire week and it's done nothing but rain. When do you have summer here?

- Well, that's hard to say - replied the local.

- Last year, it was on a Wednesday.

Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
→ Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.