Most viewed jokes

What lives in the ocean, is grouchy and hates neighbours?
→ A hermit crab!

Well-known lodging chain announced it was creating a line of no-frills hotels. The only way you'll see a chocolate on the pillow now is if the last guest was eating an M&M.

Two fellows were sitting in a coffee shop...suddenly the Town's Fire Alarm went off ... one jumped up and headed for the door ... his friend shouted:

- Hey, Tom, I didn't know you were a fireman!

Tom replied:

- I'm not, but my girlfriend's husband is...

The last time I saw a face like yours I threw it a banana.

What's the definition of an accountant?
→ Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Does killing time damage eternity?

Once, there were two bikers driving down the highway on a cold afternoon.

- Man! - commented one...

- it's FREEZING!!! and my coat won't zip up. The cold air is killing me!!

The other biker thought for a minute as they sped down the road.

- Well - he said at last...

- you can turn your jacket around, then the open side would be at the back. You wouldn't get so cold that way.

- Great idea! - commented the other.

- stop and let me switch.

The driver pulled over, and the passenger put his jacket on backwards.

- There! - he said when he had completed the switch.

- I feel better already.

The two of them climbed back on the motorcycle and drove off. Then, suddenly they hit a patch of ice on the road, and spun off and crashed. A few minutes later a crowd had gathered, and when the ambulance arrived, the EMTs shouted out:

- Is anybody hurt?

One guy from the crowd replied:

- Well, the driver was dead when I got here, and the other guy was doing alright until we fixed his head.

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear: No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said:

- Halt, who goes there?

The chauffeur, a corporal, says:

- General Wheeler.

- I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield.

The general said:

- Drive on!

The sentry said:

- Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.

The general repeated:

- I'm telling you, son, drive on!

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said:

- General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?

Dave Barry on your husband's midlife crisis:

If your husband is exhibiting signs of a midlife crisis, at first you should try to humor him. If he wants to buy a ludicrously impractical sports car, tell him you think it's a terrific idea.

If he wants to wear "younger" clothes, help him pick them out.

If he wants to start seeing other women, shoot him in the head.

John and Claire are just newly married. They are still a little shy about doing the "wild thing", so they decide to just refer to it as "washing the clothes". One night, Claire invites some of her friends over for dinner, but John is really horny and doesn't want to have to entertain their guests. So, as Claire is serving the main course, he whispers in her ear, "Let's go wash the clothes". Claire is horrified that he could even suggest such a thing while they're entertaining, and she refuses. John tries again, but she won't give in. Claire tells him instead to go upstairs and get the candleholders from the hall closet. Frustrated, John slowly walks up the stairs to get them.

While he's upstairs, Claire thinks of the fun they'd have if they COULD "wash the clothes". Nah, she thinks. Not now. But eventually her imagination gets the best of her, and she tells the maid to run upstairs and tell John that she'll be up in a minute to help him. The maid finds John upstairs in the bedroom, and tells him that his wife will be up in a minute to help him wash the clothes.

- Tell her it's ok - says John.

- I already did them by hand.