Most viewed jokes

It's your first time.

As you lie back your muscles tighten.

You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid, and you shake your head bravely and mumble no. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-- he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance.

You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.

As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel slight trickle of blood as he continues.

He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.

Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.

He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.

He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

Keep reading on below...??????????????????????????

You smile and thank your dentist!

After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

What were you thinkin'?

PERVERT I know what you were thinking!

(Age 22)

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

(Age 32)

1. Nice looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant
4. Listens more then he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers anniversaries
10. Likes to be romantic at least once a week

(Age 42)

1. Not too ugly- Bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady- splurges on dinner at McDonald's on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punch line of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves on most weekends

(Age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends

(Age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where the bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up alone
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...

(Age 72)

1. Breathing.....

You might be an Internet addict if...

- You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.

- Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.

- Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.

- You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

- You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com".

- Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.

- You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

- Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

- All of your friends have an @ in their names.

- When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

- Your dog has its own home page.

- You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.

- You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

- Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.

- You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

- You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

- Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months.

- You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

- You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.

- You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

- Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

- You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."

- You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.

- The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.

- You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

- Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

- As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

• Lights not burning too bright.
• Like a barometer -- vacuum at the top.
• Like a loose-leaf folder in winter.
• Like a one-armed man climbing a rope.
• Likes dunking for french fries.
• Little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend / jumped the track.
• Lives in La-la-land.
• Lives in the same world, but a different universe.
• Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
• Long on dry wall, short on studs.
• Looking for a nickel in the corner of a circular room.
• Looks for the "Any" key.
• Loose chip on the microprocessor board.
• Loose wire to his headset/ringer.
• Low on thinking gas.
• Low-bandwidth as an information source.
• Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
• Made a career out of mid-life crisis.
• Mainspring's wound too tight.
• Makes a black hole look bright.
• Makes predictions that make weathermen/economists look good.
• Memorized every Dr. Seuss story written.
• Mental software is Version 1.0 / still in beta test.
• Mentally qualified for handicapped parking.
• Metronome needs oil.
• Might still be a virgin except for what nature did to her mind.
• Mind like a steel sieve.
• Mind like a steel trap -- everything gets mangled / full of mice / nothing in, nothing out / rusted shut.
• Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
• Missing a few catalog cards / gears / marbles.

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets:

- Do you want to go to heaven?

The man said:

- I do Father.

The priest said:

- Then stand over there against the wall.

Then the priest asked the second man:

- Do you want to got to heaven?

- Certainly, Father - was the man's reply.

- Then stand over there against the wall - said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said:

- Do you want to go to heaven?

O'Toole said:

- No, I don't Father.

The priest said:

- I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?

O'Toole said:

- Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.

The Difference between Most Men and REAL Men

Real Men..put you on the phone when their mothers call.
Most Men..pretend you're not there when their moms call.

Real Men..claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.
Most Men..claim to be feminists because they let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.

Real Men..know what they want to be doing five years down the road.
Most Men..are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.

Real Men..really know how to make you relax.
Most Men...really know how to make you laugh.

Real Men..read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.
Most Men..read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.

Real Men..make a lot of money before they are 30.
Most Men..make a lot of mistakes before they are 30.

Real Men..wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.
Most Men..wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school.

Real Men..think perfume (yours) is a turn-on.
Most Men..think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on.

Real Men..balance their checkbooks.
Most Men..balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.

Real Men..have an internist, a tailor and an accountant.
Most Men..have a barber, a bartender and a mechanic.

Real Men..are afraid of becoming their fathers.
Most Men..are afraid of becoming Real Men.

Real Men..start their own businesses.
Most Men..quit their jobs.

Real Men..order wine based on more than the price.
Most Men..bring their own beer

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says:

- You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!

His buddy looks at him and says:

- Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!' ....and she's always sound asleep.

Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

What was the name of the film about a killer lion that swam underwater?
→ 'Claws.'

What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangeroo?
→ A stripey jumper!