Most viewed jokes

If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?

Yo Momma is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyone and got stuck.

There are two statues standing in the woods. They have been there standing on their pedastals for 500 years. A girl statue and a boy statue.

Finally one day the Good Fairy came down. You have been here for five centuries, naked just looking at one another. Now, the Good Fairy said to the statues, you have five full seconds to jump down off your pedastals and run out there in the bushes and do whatever it is that you would like to do.

The girl statue and the boy statue jumped down, ran into the bushes, came back out brushing the leaves out of their hair and jumped back upon their pedastals.

The Good Fairy said:

- you used three seconds, you have two more seconds to finish what you were doing.

The boy statue looked at the girl statue and said:

- this time you hold the pigeon and I'll poop on it's head!

Dave was a bit of a nut who enjoyed making obscene phone calls.

His biggest pleasure is making such calls to kindergarten teachers.

He'll find a lonely telephone booth, dial the number of a teacher, and exclaim:

- Is this Mrs. Jones, the kindergarten teacher at P.S. 41?

When the teacher answers yes, Dave goes into his act:

- Wee-ee, poo-poo ca-ca!

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff:

- I wish you guys could get your act together.

Just yesterday one of you takes away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!!

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.

Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

- When I tee off - the singer explains - I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim.

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks:

- How about if we play for $100,000?

Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap.

But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents and says:

- OK, it's your money... when do you want to play?

Stevie replies:

- I'll play on any NIGHT you choose!

Two blondes were planning to rob a bank.

The first blonde had a tendancy to be smarter than the second.

They went over and over their plans for the robbery and finally they headed out to commit the crime. They pulled up in their car in front of the bank. The first blonde says to the second blonde:

- Are you SURE you understand the plan?

- Yes! - replied the second blonde. So the second blonde gets out of the passenger side of the car and heads into the bank.

Time passes, and after 10 minutes the second blonde has not returned.

The first blonde gets very nervous.

Finally, out comes the second blonde from the bank dragging the safe behind her by a rope, and seconds behind her comes the guard with his pants down.

- No you idiot! I told you to blow the SAFE and tie-up the GUARD!

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked:

- Is this it?

God said:

- No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live.

Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.

She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said:

- I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?

God replied:

- Shirley! I'm sorry but I didn't recognize you!

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2and1/2 min.

If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them:

- Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes

- Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes

- Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males

- Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait

- Bimbag - a blonde's purse

- Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag

- Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes

- Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes

- Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard

- Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything

- Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook

- Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her

- Bimboette - a young blonde

- Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else

- Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes

- Bimboozle - to fool a blonde

- Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence

- Bimbozo - another name for a blonde

- Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes

- Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde

- Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is

- Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall