Most viewed jokes

THE TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
11. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
12. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
13. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
14. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
15. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
16. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
17. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
18. Less guilt the next morning.

and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex...

1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!

The Gutter-Mind Test!

1. What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse?
2. What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
3. What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?
4. What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?
5. Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman?
6. What does a dog do that you can step into?
7. What is a 4-letter word that begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?
8. What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
9. What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages?
10. What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?

* The Correct Answers *

1. talk
2. legs
3. a twenty dollar bill
4. firetruck
5. bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt
6. pants
7. fork
8. Almond Joy candy bar
9. grit
10. last name

Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meat grinder?
→ He got a little behind in his work.

Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist?
→ They fight tooth and nail!

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
→ He sold his soul to Santa.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
→ He's all right now.

Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug?
→ She had her baby in the spring.

Have you seen Quasimodo?
→ I have a hunch he's back!

How do crazy people go through the forest?
→ They take the psycho path.

How do snakes end a fight?
→ They hiss and make up.

How do you clean ice off tall buildings?
→ With sky scrapers.

How do you get a frog off the back window of your car?
→ Use the rear defrogger.

How do you revive a drowning rodent?
→ Give it mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.

There was this old guy wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals:

- Crisco? Crisco? CRIS--CO!!!!

Finally a store clerk approached.

- Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five.

- Oh - replied the old guy - I'm not looking for Crisco, I'm calling my wife.

- Your wife is named Crisco?

- Nah - he answered - I only call her that when we come to the supermarket.

- Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?

- Lard Ass!

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You add chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing with everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that reads, "How's my driving--call 1-800-***-****."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
11. Three little letters (M, E, and N) send you into an uncontrollable rage.

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. - H. L. Mencken
Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties. - George Clooney
Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material. - Dave Letterman
Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living. - P. J. ORourke
Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary. - Robert Louis Stevenson
Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book. - Ronald Reagan

Did you hear about the whale who couldn't keep a secret?
→ He was a blubber mouth!

Why don't whales eat sushi very often?
→ Of course whales like sushi. It's just those itty-bitty chop sticks that keep getting stuck in their teeth.

What's a skunk's philosophy of life?
→ Eat, stink and be merry!

- Teacher: I'd like a room, please.

- Hotel Receptionist: Single, Sir?

- Teacher: Yes, but I am engaged.