Most viewed jokes

Men are like lava lamps.

Fun to look at, but not very bright.

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

- Man: What was that for?

- Wife: What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?

- Man: Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.

The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

- Man: What the hell was that for this time?

- Wife: Your horse called.

A guy admired the hair of three girls.
He walked by one and asked:

- How'd you get such lovely blonde hair?

Taking her hand and gently running it through her hair, the girl answered:

- It's natural.

The guy walked by the second girl and asked:

- How'd you get such pretty brown hair?

Fluffing her hair, the second girl said:

- It's natural.

Finally the guy approached the third girl and asked:

- How'd you get such cool green hair?

Taking her hand and rubbing it up past her nose, then skimming it through the hair, she said:

- It's natural.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Grunge Barbie ...with flannel shirt and a goatee

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were often short-tempered. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

- Speedbird 206: Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active.

- Ground: Guten morgan, taxi to your gate.

The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

- Ground: Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?

- Speedbird 206: Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now.

- Ground (with typical German impatience): Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?

- Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Yo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving."

Why did the Priest wear underwear in the shower?
→ He didn't want to look down on the unemployed

A little girl and her mother were shopping. The girl asks her mother:

- How old are you?

Mommy says:

- Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life.

The girl then asks:

- Mommy, how much do you weigh?

Mommy says:

- That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out when you are grown up.

The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks:

- Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?

Mommy says:

- Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now.

The little girl is frustrated. She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says:

- All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything.

The little girl and her mother are shopping again. The girl says:

- Mommy, I know how old you are. You are 32 years old.

Her mommy is very shocked! She asks:

- Sweetheart how did you do that?

The girl shrugs and says:

- I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weigh 120 pounds.

The mother is flabbergasted. She asks:

- Where did you learn that?

The little girl says:

- I just know, that's all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex!

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

Few women admit their age and few men act theirs.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

LOVE: Two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

Forget about world peace...
Visualize using your turn signal.

WARNING: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at math.

PURITANISM: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

There are 3 Kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Ever stop to think, and then forget to start again?

DIPLOMACY: The art of saying "nice doggie!" until you can find a rock.

Lead me not into temptation...
I can find it myself.