Most viewed jokes

- Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.

- Fetch command not available on all platforms.

- Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.

- Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.

- Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."

- Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

- Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.

- Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

- Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

- Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.

- Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.

- Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

- Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...

- Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

- SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

- SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

- Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.

- Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.

- Too Hard To Type With Paws.

On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it! Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's drop-dead gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Here, iron this."

Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

A bleached blonde and a natural blonde were on top of the Empire State Building. How do you tell them apart?
→ The bleached blonde would never throw bread to the helicopters.

What is the best advice to give a worm?
→ Sleep late.

- What kind of math do owls like?

- Owlgebra.

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

- What happened to you? - asked Bill.

- Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me.

- My God, what did you tell them? - asks Clinton.

The driver replies:

- I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig.

Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him:

- What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?

Andy says:

- I would switch the points for one of the trains.

- What if the lever broke? - asked the inspector.

- Then I'd dash down out of the signal box - said Andy

- and I'd use the manual lever over there.

- What if that had been struck by lightning?

- Then - Andy continues

- I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box.

- What if the phone was engaged?

- Well in that case - persevered Andy

- I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.

- What if that was vandalised?

- Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas.

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks:

- Why would you do that?

Came the answer:

- Because he's never seen a train crash.

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."

Why do we drive on parkways when we park on driveways?