Most viewed jokes

Why don't Deputy Fire Marshals look out the window in the morning?
→ So they have something to do in the afternoon.

I looked into a blonde's eyes, but all I saw was the back of her head!

What's yellow and writes?
→ A ball-point banana.

- Teacher: Shall I put the school computer on?

- Pupil: No, Miss, the dress you're wearing looks fine.

Why were blondes created?
→ Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge

Why did the blonde have lipstick on her stearing wheel?
→ She was trying to blow the horn!

Sign seen in a bar:"Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."

Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go.

A week after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried: they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out.

One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go. When the big day arrived they set up all the monitoring equipment and moved out to a safe distance.

The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer. BBBAAANNNGGG!!!!!!!

The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the second (2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile away) was up to his waist. When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away they noticed that he was in fits of laughter.

- What the %$*& is so funny? - asked one of the scientist.

- You should have seen the monkey's face trying to get the cork back in!!!

Write down on a peice of paper:
M R ducks
M R not
O S A R
C M wangs
L I B
M R ducks

Now have somebody say it, saying the capitals as letters, it comes out as:
'em are ducks
'em are not
oh 'es 'ey are
see 'em wangs
'ell ill be
'em are ducks

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

- Ma'am - said the cop.

- I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.

- Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home - responded the Amish lady.

- That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away! - instructed the cop.

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

- Well, dear, what exactly did he say? - asked Jacob.

- He said the reflector is broken - replied the lady.

- I can fix that in two minutes. What else? - wondered Jacob.

- I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake...