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Who holds up stagecoaches and steals laptop computers?
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A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.
He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray:

- God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto.

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Jacob goes back to the synagogue.

- God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.

Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!

Back to the synagogue.

- My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:

- JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET

Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy:

- I've got another dress for you to clean.

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies:

- Come again?

- No - says Monica.

- Mustard!

Have u ever saw Stevie Wonders wife?
→ No
→ Neither has he.

Two men are in a bar are boasting about their prowess and one of them says:

- My cock is longer than that cat's tail.

A bet is made, the bartender supplies a ruler, and the cat is roused and measured.

But when the bartender begins the second measurement, the stud says:

- Just a moment! Where did you measure that cat's tail from?

- From the asshole. - says the bartender.

- Well, kindly do me the same favor.

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car followed by a large cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, and rang the door bell. A farmer appeared.

The man, somewhat nervously said:

- I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him.

- Suit yourself - the farmer replied, the hens are round the back.

A man who worked for a fire company came home from work one day and told his wife:

- You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're on the trucks ready to go. From now on we're going to run this house the same way. When I say bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say bell 3, we're going to screw all night.

The next night he came home from work and yelled:

- Bell 1, - and his wife took off all here clothes.

- Bell 2, - and his wife jumped into bed.

- Bell3, - and they began to screw.

After 2 minutes his wife yelled:

- Bell 4.

- What's this Bell 4? - asked her husband.

- More hose, - she replied,

- You're nowhere near the fire!

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked:

- Say, Father, what causes arthritis?

- Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.

- Well, I'll be damned - the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized:

- I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?

- I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign in a Hong Kong supermarket:

- For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

Sign at fast-food place:

- PARKING FOR DRIVE-THRU CUSTOMERS ONLY!

Sign outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:

- Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Sign in a Rhodes tailor shop:

- Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Sign from the Soviet Weekly:

- There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

Sign in an East African newspaper:

- A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

Sign in a Vienna hotel:

- In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

Sign in an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

- Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word "definitely" in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies:

- Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?

The Teacher says:

- Of course not Johnny,

To which Johnny replies:

- Then I have definitely s**t my pants.