The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word "definitely" in a sentence.
Little Johnny replies:
- Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?
The Teacher says:
- Of course not Johnny,
To which Johnny replies:
- Then I have definitely s**t my pants.
Why did the blonde tip toe past the medicine cabinet?
→ So she wouldn't wake up the Sleeping Pills.
Why did a gambler scare everyone out swimming?
→ He was a card shark!
How are skunks able to avoid danger?
→ By using their instinks and common scents!
There's a guy who's hiking in the woods one day when a bear chases him up a really tall tree.
The bear started to climb the tree, so the guy climbed up higher. Then, the bear climbed down and went away.
So the guy starts to climb down the tree. Suddenly, the bear returns, and this time he's brought an even bigger bear with him. The two bears climb up the tree, the bigger bear going higher than the first. But the guy climbed even higher still, so the bears couldn't reach him.
Eventually, the bears went away.
Naturally quite relieved, the guy starts down the tree again. Suddenly, the two bears return. But this time the guy knew he was in big trouble.
Each bear was carrying a BEAVER.
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.
- I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents - she said.
- What do you mean? - he asked.
- Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!'
Be careful never to let a blonde have a coffee break... It takes too long to retrain her afterwards!
There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Bearded Barbie ...complete with tweezers
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot, but she keeps denying it--until finally the husband just knew when his wife said:
- Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ...
An internal auditor for a manufacturing group was concerned about anomalies in stock levels. He thought someone might be pinching stock but he couldn't prove it. He had his eye on one shifty-looking individual who every day drove his old truck out of the factory with the load covered by a tarpaulin. Time after time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him remove the tarpaulin and then inspected the load. On every occasion there was only scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to the tip. On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the tarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there might be stolen stock hidden underneath. Nothing. He could never find anything amiss.
After a few months of this the auditor was offered a better job elsewhere and resigned. A few weeks later he was drinking in a pub when the shifty character walked in. On an impulse the auditor went up to him and said:
- Look, I've left the company, I'm not interested in taking it any further and I won't shop you, but I just have to know. What were you taking?
And the bloke said:
- Tarpaulins.
