Most viewed jokes

25 rules for Women to follow:

1. Sports Center starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister. Do not bother me!!
2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.
3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew, Banana Republic or the local Patagonia store.
4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
5. Butthead is the smart one.
6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."
9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.
10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
11. Socks never constitute a gift.
12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.
13. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
14. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.
15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to make the movie "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
17. Curley is the bald one.
18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.
20. It is neither in your interest nor ours to take The Quiz together.
21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.
22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.
23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.
24. No, you can't have the remote control.
25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.

1. You've ever cut your grass and found a car.
2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
3. You think the stock market has a fence around it.
4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in-Theater.
5. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
6. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
7. You own a homemade fur coat.
8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
9. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
10. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
11. You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."
12. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
13. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
14. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
15. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
16. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.
17. Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."
18. Birds are attracted to your beard.
19. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
20. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
21. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
22. You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
23. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
24. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
25. You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
26. You clean your fingernails with a stick.
27. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
28. You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
29. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
30. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
31. Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
32. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
33. You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
34. There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car.
35. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
36. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
37. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
38. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
39. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
40. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
41. You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
42. You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
43. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
44. Your considered an expert on worm beds.
45. Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
46. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
47. You've ever bought a used cap.
48. Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
49. You pick your teeth from a catalog.
50. You've ever financed a tattoo.
51. You've ever stolen toilet paper.
52. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
53. People hear your car a long time before they see it.
54. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
55. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
56. You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
57. You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
58. You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
59. You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
60. You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
61. You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
62. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
63. MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
64. You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
65. You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
66. Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
67. Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
68. You own a denim leisure suit.
69. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
70. Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
71. You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.
72. You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
73. You have a rag for a gas cap.
74. The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
75. You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
76. You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.
77. You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
78. You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call...."
79. You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
80. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
81. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work.
82. After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.
83. Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
84. All of your four letter words are two syllables.
85. You've ever been too drunk to fish?
86. You cut your toenails in front of company.
87. You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
88. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
89. Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
90. You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
91. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
92. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
93. You can spit without opening your mouth.
94. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
95. You call your boss "dude".
96. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
97. You have grease under your toenails.
98. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
99. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
100. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
101. You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
102. You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
103. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
104. You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
105. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
106. When asked for I.D. you show them your belt buckle.
107. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
108. Your wife's hair-do was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.
109. Your father walks you to school because you're both in the same grade.
110. Your house doesn't have curtains but your pick-up does.
111. Your father encourages you to quit school because uncle Larry has an opening at the "Lube Rack".
112. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
113. Anyone in your family has ever worn a tube-top to a wedding.
114. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take off the wheels and skirt it.
115. You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper to be quality entertainment.
116. Your front porch collapses and it kills more than three dogs.
117. Your family tree doesn't fork.
118. Directions to your house include the phrase "turn off the paved road".
119. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
120. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at bingo.
121. You prominently display the gift you got at Graceland.
122. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
123. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
124. You've been to a funeral where there were more pick-ups than cars.
125. Jack Daniels makes your most admired list.
126. You have only one more hole to be punched in your card to get a freebie at the "House of Tattoos".
127. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
128. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
129. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
130. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.
131. People ask you for ID and you show them your belt buckle.
132. Your brother and sister get divorced...from each other.
133. Your wife asks you to fix the furniture...and you use any of the following: a) Duct Tape; b) Welding torch; c) any sticky bodily fluids.
134. Your porch collapses and more than 6 dogs die.

A blonde goes horse back riding. It starts out slow, but then it starts to gallop. The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins. The horse doesn't stop and the blonde is still being dragged upside down. She doesn't know what to do. Finally the Wal-Mart manager comes and unplugs it.

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign on an asphalt truck:

- Let us fill your crack!

Office sign:

- Ace exterminating - we kill bugs dead, walk-ins welcome.

Sign at a muffler shop:

- No muff too tough for us!

Sign on a government issue car:

- Fulton county disaster coordinator.

Sign in a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notice.
Sign seen on an electricity pylon: DANGER!

- To touch these wires will result in instant death. Anyone found doing so will be severely prosecuted.

Sign in a Japanese Hotel room: In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
Sign in a Leipzig elevator:

- Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted:

- Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!

The shopkeeper said:

- By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out:

- Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!

As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Walking up next to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically:

- Do you know they are all out of step except you?

- What - asked the recruit innocently.

- I said -- they are all out of step except you! - thundered the sergeant.

The recruit replied:

- Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- B-2

- B-2 who?

- B-2 school on time!

The ninety-year-old man was in for his checkup when the nurse practitioner learned he was about to marry an eighteen year old girl. "Now, Mr. Jenkins," the nurse practitioner warned, "you should know that when a man your age marries an eighteen-year-old girl, somebody could get hurt." The old man shrugged, "If she dies, she dies."

Charley wanted to buy Farley a birthday cake, but he couldn't figure out how to get the cake in the typewriter so he could type 'Happy Birthday'

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Rasta Barbie ...she's got a tie-dyed t-shirt, dreadlocks and reggae CD; rolling papers sold separately