Most viewed jokes

Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, when he heard a loud voice ask him:

- What is wrong with you?

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to, and he was feeling very lonely.

Then the loud voice said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. The voice continued, saying:

- this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.

Adam thought that sounded great, so he asked:

- What would a woman like this cost me??

The voice answered:

- an arm and a leg.

Adam thought about that for a moment. He thought that would be a pretty high price to pay, so he then asked:

- What can I get for just a rib???

The rest is history . . .

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
→ Sex is the same but the dishes are stacking up in the sink!

Heard about the Polish hockey team?

They all drowned in spring training.

You know you're having a bad day when...

- Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.

- You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.

- Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

- You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.

- You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

- Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.

- Your income tax refund check bounces.

- The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

- You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

- Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.

- You put both contacts into the same eye.

- Your mother approves of the person you're dating.

- Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.

- You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.

- Nothing you own is actually paid for.

- Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.

- The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.

- You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.

- The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.

- People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.

- When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.

- You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.

- You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.

- It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him.

- Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?

- I got it for my wife, eh.

- Oh! Good trade.

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON - FREE COFFEE + DONUTS
FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART DOG
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
GERMAN SHEPHARD. 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 CENTS OR BEST OFFER
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
KITTENS 8 WEEKS OLD - SEEKING GOOD CHRISTIAN HOME.

- Waiter, please close the window.

- Why, is there a draft?

- Yes, it's blown my steak off the plate three times.

What is a whale's favorite TV show?
→ Flukes of Hazard!

What is the most famous shark?
→ William Sharkspeare!

Who was the most famous pirate octopus?
→ Captain Squid!