Most viewed jokes

An elephant was walking in a park. With each step he took, he squished many little ants. Upset, the ants began to crawl up on the elephant -- first his legs and then up all over his body. When the elephant started feeling all the little ants on him, he shook hard, making all the little ants, except for one, fall to the ground. As the only ant on the elephant hung on close to the elephant's neck, the ones on the ground began to yell, "Strangle him!!! Strangle him!!!"

- Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

- Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

- Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said:

- Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!

The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little tap" could scare him so much.

The driver, after gathering himself together replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault.

Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!

A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn't smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers.

In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town's football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend.

The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say:

- Buddy, if she went out with me, she'd never go out with you ever again.

To which the local jock replied:

- Hey buddy, if she went out with you, she'd never go out with ANYONE ever again.

What did one mouse say to the other mouse?
→ I get a click out of you.

They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer:

- Where is my father?

The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with:

- Your father is fishing in Michigan.

The skeptical man said triumphantly:

- You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years.

- No - replied the super computer immediately. Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout.

Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
→ You only have to teach them to take off!

"Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun!"

What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?
→ Slap the bitch!

1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.
2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".
4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
8. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
9. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
10. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
11. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
12. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.
13. Women think all beer is the same.
14. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower.
15. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
16. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.
17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
18. Women brush their hair before bed.
19. Women are paid less than men, except for Modeling.
20. Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the mans responsibility, "It's there in the bible". hmmm who was it that gave Adam the apple?
21. Women do not know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?"
22. Women have better rest rooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet.
23. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
24. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
25. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
26. A woman will dress up to go shopping, to water the plants, to empty the garbage, to answer the phone, to read a book, or to get the mail.
27. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
28. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
29. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Punish My Spouse.)
30. The first naked man that woman see is "Ken".
31. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
32. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
33. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
34. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

40a All women are overweight by definition, don't argue with them about it.
40b All women are overweight by definition, don't agree with them about it.

41. If it is not Valentines day, and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking:

- What did you do?

42. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights.
43. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".
44. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
45. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried do you?