Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a condom about to give his girlfriend some.
Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says:
- Whatcha doin' daddy?
Johnny's dad stoops over to cover-up his dick and starts looking at the floor.
- Oh I'm just looking for this big rat I saw - he says.
Little Johnny says:
- Whatcha gonna do, fuck it?
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.
Among them were:
- His obnoxious brother: Please Gogh
- His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
- The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
- The constipated uncle: Cant Gogh
- The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh
- The grandfather from Yugoslavia: U Gogh
- The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh
- The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh
- His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
- His Italian uncle: Day Gogh
- His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
- The Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh
- The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh
- The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh
- A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh
- The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh
- His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
- The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
- An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
- The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh
- And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh
An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.
- Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive.
Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here!?!
- Calm down sir! How long have you been like this?
- Like what?
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child:
- Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.
Then he gave her a stern look and asked:
- Have you been fooling around on me?!
The wife just smiled sweetly and said:
- Not this time.
- You don't recall that line from It's A Wonderful Life saying, "Every time a cash register rings, a customer enjoys never-before year-end savings at Try-N-Save!"
- Your kid makes a fortune trading in "Elmo futures."
- Salad Shooter in hand, Michael Jordan shows up as the honorary "4th wise man" in new nativity scenes.
- The impossible-to-get "Tickle Me Jesus"
- Santa's Coyote/Ford-powered sleigh came in second in this year's Indy 500.
- Wise Men now arrive carrying Faux Gold, The Clapper and a Chia Pet.
- WWF presents "Oh, Holy Night" Cage Match pitting The Three Wise Men against Jumping Joseph, Manic Mary and the Dangerous Manger Boy!
- Santa goes to Yankees in blockbuster trade for the slightly heavier Cecil Fielder.
- Rudolph demands Holiday Pay or he walks.
- Santa's North Pole operation announces a corporate downsizing amidst rumors that the Elf Division will be sold off to Keebler.
- Reindeer rights purchase by Disney results in odd-sounding, "On Doc, on Happy, on Grumpy, on Sneezy. Now Bashful, now Dopey, now Eisner and Sleepy."
- $, the holiday formerly known as Christmas
- Rather large Nike logo emblazoned across His Holiness's pointy hat during Midnight Mass at St. Peter's.
- The Baby GAP's line of Swaddling Clothes(TM)
- Michael Jackson buys all rights to the phrase "Ho, Ho, Ho" -- an injunction limits Santa to "a bemused facial expression and laughter not exceeding two syllables."
- Image of Virgin Mary appears in Dennis Rodman's hair.
A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.
The wife said:
- Why don't you do that?
Her husband replied:
- Honey, I don't even know that woman!
A Blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically:
- What's the matter?
The Blonde replies:
- Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.
- I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day.. we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest.
The Blonde very calmly explains:
- No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.
The boss agrees and allows the Blonde to work as usual.
- If you need anything, just let me know - he says.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the Blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the Blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks:
- Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?
- No - replies the Blonde.
- I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!
A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
- Oh, about $200 today - said the rancher:
- But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out.
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer:
- Here - he said:
- is the check for $900. It is post-dated six years from now.
How do you get four old ladies to say the F word?
→ Have the fifth one say.... BINGO!
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
→ It changes their blood type.
