There were three guys waiting for a bus on a bench when the first guy farts, 'WHOOOSSHHHHH....' No one brought attention to it. Then suddenly the second guy farts, 'WHOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH........' Again, no one thought anything of it until the third guy let one, 'PPPPPPPPUUUUUUHHHHHHHH...' The first two guys then looked at the third guy and simultaneously said, "STRAIGHT."
One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.
- My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.
The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies:
- Don't keep all your eggs in one basket.
Next is little Lucy.
- Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.
The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies:
- Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.
Last is little Billy.
- My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.
Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.
Billy replies:
- Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking!
Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?
→ They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.
How does the single woman get rid of roaches?
→ She asks them for a commitment.
Joe Sensitive
- After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
Old Man Grump's
- People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV.
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogy, Slow Mover,
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
Flinchy
- I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did.
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
Bigfoot
- Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'.
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
Lazybones
- Zzzzzz
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams
The Sneak
- Who, me?
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
Ace of Hearts
- After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
The Dreamer
- Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how,
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grump's"
Mr. Right
- While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
What do you call 3 blondes under a Christmas tree?
→ Ho-Ho-Ho!
A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs and finds a door open. He goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute asleep on the bed. He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing oral sex on the prostitute. She wakes up shocked and sees this koala bear going down on her, and she decides that since it feels so good she'll let him finish.
The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for the door. The prostitute jumps up and yells at him:
- Hey, you have to pay for that.
The koala shrugs and continues to head for the door. The prostitute yells at him again:
- Hey you have to pay for that. I'm a prostitute.
She gets up and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows the koala the definition.
PROSTITUTE (n) a person receiving payment for sexual services.
The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the definition of koala bear.
KOALA (n.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves.
Steve is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting real seasick. The doctor tells him:
- Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.
Steve says:
- Will that keep me from getting sick?
The doctor says:
- No, but it'll look real pretty in the water.
- Knock Knock
- Who's there?
- Bridie
- Bridie who?
- Bridie light of the silvery moon!
What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
→ The blonde works in the dark!
