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CLASSIFIED ERRORS, from a small-town daily:

(Monday) FORE SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

(Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jone's ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m.

(Wednesday) NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.

(Thursday) NOTICE - I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don't call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit.

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus. It's a bug.

Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio? It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.

Did you hear about the blonde coyote? She got stuck in a trap, chewed off three of her legs and was still stuck.

One day there was a tortoise walking on the road. Along came the hare that had once been defeated by the tortoise in a race. The hare was so angry from what had happened to him so he challenged him to another race. The tortoise gladly accepted his challenge. It ended up that the tortoise and the hare never finished the race because they both took a nap right before the finish line. So the tortoise is still the champion of the race. So remember this you snooze you loose!

- Room Service? Can you send up a towel?

- Please wait, someone else is using it.

- Were you in Paris on your vacation?

- I don't know, my wife got the tickets.

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire.

- What sort of accountant are you? - says St Peter

- Public Practitioner - is the reply.

- Name?

He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out.

- Oh, yes. We've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted span - says St Peter.

- How can that be? - says the accountant.

- I'm too young to go. I'm only forty-eight

- No, that's impossible.

- Why do you say that?

- Well we've been looking at your time sheets and the hours you've charged your clients. By our reckoning you're at least ninety three.

How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None, they just have a nursing assistant do it.
→ As much as the doctor orders.

How do ants hide from aardvarks?
→ They disguise themselves as uncles!