Most viewed jokes

This little old lady walks into an ice cream parlor and asks for 2 scoops of chocolate ice cream. The man behind the counter says:

- I'm sorry, we are all out of chocolate ice cream.

The lady says:

- OK, I'll take one scoop of chocolate ice cream in a cup.

The man says:

- Ma-am, we are all out of chocolate.

The little old lady says:

- OK, then I'll have a single scoop of chocolate in a cone.

The man, a little more irritated this time says:

- Ok, lady. Spell van as in vanilla.

The lady says:

- V A N

The man says:

- OK, spell straw as in strawberry.

The lady says:

- S T R A W.

The man says:

- OK, now spell fuck as in chocolate.

The lady says there ain't no fuck in chocolate.

The man says:

- Lady, that's what I've been trying to tell you all along!

1. Bicycles don't pregnant.
2. You can ride your bicycle any time of the month.
3. Bicycles don't have parents.
4. Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
5. You can share your bicycles with your friends.
6. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you've ridden.
7. When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive at the same time.
8. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you have now.
9. Bicycles don't care if you look at other bicycles.
10. Bicycles don't care if you buy bicycle magazines.
11. You'll never hear, "Suprise, you're goning to own a new bicycle" unless you go out and buy one yourself.
12. If your bicycle goes flat, you can fix it.
13. If your bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
14. If your bicycle gets misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.
15. You can have a black bicycle and bring it home to your parents.
16. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your bicycle.
17. If you say bad things to your bicycle, you don't have to apologize before you ride it again.
18. You can ride your bicycle as long as you want and it wont get sore.
19. You can stop riding your bicycle as soon as you want and it wont get frustrated.
20. Your parents wont remain in touch with your old bicycle after you dump it.
21. Bicycles don't get headaches.
22. Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.
23. Your bicyle never wants a night out with other bicycles.
24. Bicycles don't care if you're late.
25. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.
26. If your bicycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
27. You can ride your bicycle the first time you meet it without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
28. The only protection you need to wear when riding your bicycle is a decent helment.
29. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you had the last time you were on your bicycle.

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

- She called me to get my phone number.

- She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

- She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

- She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

- She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

- She tried to drown a fish.

- She thought a quarterback was a refund.

- She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

- She tripped over a cordless phone.

- She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

- She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

- She studied for a blood test.

- She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

- When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

- When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

- When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a Jew, a Scotsman, a rabbi and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and asks, "Is this some kind of joke?"

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter:

- What is that you just served?

The waiter replied:

- Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!

The American, though momentarily daunted, said:

- What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!

The waiter replied:

- I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said:

- These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied:

- Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins.

- Mum, Mum, Dad's broken my computer!

- How did he do that?

- I dropped it on his head.

Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis?
→ Because it is below C level.

How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
→ Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."

- Customer: Why didn't you tell me I have call waiting?

- Tech Support: Sir, we have no way of knowing if you have call waiting.

- Customer: Well, you should ask everybody!

- Tech Support: Do you have call waiting?

- Customer: What's that?

A Doctor made it his regular habit to stop at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the Doctor's drink waiting for him at precisely 5:03 PM. One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The Doctor came in and took a sip of the drink and exclaimed:

- This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!

- No, I'm sorry - replied the bartender...

- It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc.