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A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.

The cop asked the farmer:

- Didn't you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?

The farmer replied:

- No, I didn't knowed that.

The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said:

- To Memphis.

The cop said:

- I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis.

So the farmer promised he would.

Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again.

The cop said:

- I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis

and to this the farmer replied:

- I did and we had so much fun, I'm taking him to the circus.

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked:

- When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says:

- I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.

The second guy says:

- I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.

The last guy replies:

- I would like to hear them say:

- Look! He's moving!

Which drink makes a Gorilla feel tipsy?
→ An ape-ricot sour!

Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.

- Help! - Paddy shouted - Oi'm sinkin'!

- Don't worry - assured Mick.

- Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there.

Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy:

- Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help.

As Mick was leaving, Paddy called:

- Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?

Why did the school bully kick the classroom computer?
→ Someone told him he was supposed to boot up the system.

What's the best way to accelerate a Mac?
→ 9.81 m/s2

There are bats hanging of a branch upside down, all except one. Two bats comment:

- What's happened to this one?

- I don't know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then he fainted.

Seminars for Females (Prepared and presented by Males)

1. Elementary map reading
2. Crying and law enforcement
3. Advanced math seminar: Programming your VCR
4. You can go shopping for less than 4 hours
5. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: A study in contrast.
6. PMS: It's your problem, not mine ("It's happened monthly since puberty-deal with it.")
7. Driving I. Getting past automatic transmissions
8. Driving II. The meaning of blinking orange lights
9. Driving III. Approximating a constant speed
10. Driving IV. Makeup and Driving; it's as simple as oil and water
11. Football: Not a game; a sacrament
12. Telephone Translations (Formerly titled, "Me too" equals "I love you")
13. How to earn your own money
14. Gift giving fundamentals (Formerly titled, "Fabric bad, electronics good")
15. Putting the seat down by yourself: Potential energy is on your side
16. Beyond "Clean and Dirty" - The nuances of wearable laundry
17. Yes, you can fill up at a self service station
18. Joys of the remote control; Reaping the benefits of 50 channels
19. What comes around, goes around: Why his credit card is not a toy
20. His best friend can be yours too
21. His poker games: Deal yourself out
22. Commitment Schmittment (Formerly titled, "Wedlock Schmedlock")
23. To honor and obey: Remembering the small print above "I do"
24. Why your mother is unwelcome in the house
25. Your mate: selfish bastard, or victimized sensitive man?

Seminars For Males (Prepared and Presented by Females)

1. Combatting stupidity
2. You too can do housework
3. PMS: Learn when to keep your mouth shut
4. How to fill an ice tray
5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas: give us money
6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4am
7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled, "Don't wash my silks")
8. Parenting: It doesn't end with conception
9. Get a life; learn to cook
10. How not to act like a jackass when you're obviously wrong
11. Spelling: Even you can get it right
12. Understanding your financial incompetence
13. You: The weaker sex
14. Reasons to give flowers
15. How to stay awake in public
16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom
17. Garbage: Getting it to the curb
18. You can fall asleep without it if you really try
19. The morning dilemma if IT is awake: Take a shower
20. I'll wear it if I damn well please
21. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly titled "No, it's not a bidet")
22. "The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms
23. Give me a break: Why we know your excuses are bull
24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost
25. The remote control: Overcoming your dependency
26. Romanticism: Ideas other than sex
27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes
28. Mothers-in-law: They are people too
29. Male bonding: Leaving your friends at home
30. You too can be a designated driver
31. Seeing the true you (formerly titled, "You don't look like Mel Gibson when naked")
32. Changing your underwear: It really works
33. The attainable goal: removing "tits" from your vocabulary
34. Fluffing the blankets after flatulating is not necessary
35. Techniques for calling home before you leave work

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

- Well - he explained - By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen.

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.

- Well - he explained - By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen.

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.

- Well - he explained - by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure.......

What did the Polish mother say when her daughter announced that she was pregnant?
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- Are you sure it's yours?