Most viewed jokes

- Student: Can I use the bathroom?

- Teacher: Okay but first say your ABC's.

- Students: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO QRSTUVWXYZ

- Teacher: Where's the P?

- Student: Its running down my leg!

An elderly woman went into the doctor`s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied:

- I`d like to have some birth-control pills.

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said:

- Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you`re 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?

The woman responded:

- They help me sleep better.

The doctor thought some more and continued:

- How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?

The woman said:

- Simple, I put them in my granddaughter`s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night.

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked:

- Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?

The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked:

- Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?

Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked:

- Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?

- Oh, no! - the little girl replied.

- Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants.

I have got a drinking problem.... I've got two hands, but only one mouth...

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the first time, her father's nakedness. Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks:

- What are those round things hanging there, daddy?

Proudly, he replies:

- Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life. Without them we wouldn't be here.

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said. To which mommy asks:

- Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?

- May I please have a glass of water?

- Why, are you thirsty?

- No, I want to see if my neck leaks.

How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None, a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.

Why did Mrs. Smokey the Bear divorce Smokey the Bear?
→ Because every time she got hot, he'd beat her with a shovel!

What is slimy and wobbly, tastes of raspberry and lives in the seas?
→ A red jellyfish.

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The storeowner replies:

- I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.

The collector says:

- Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues:

- Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish.

And the owner says:

- Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats.