Most viewed jokes

Your momma is so fat, when she stood in the scale to get weighed it read -(one at a time please!!!!!!)

Due to the recent merger of AOL and Time Warner, AOL members can soon expect the following changes:

Time Magazine's next "Man Of The Year" issue will feature Steve Case on the cover as the undisputed winner. This of course will strictly be a coincidence.

The standard irritating AOL popups will be replaced by Warner Bros. cartoons. Now, Elmer Fudd will say:

- You cwazy wabbit, you've been onwine for 5 minutes and that's way-y-y too long... we're going to boot you off!

The next time that you hear Bugs Bunny say, "Eh, what's up Doc?" he will be referring to your monthly AOL subscription charge.

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

- I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells:

- You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!

Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual "equipment." Wow! If that is true, we need to get the word out ASAP! Maybe the warning on the cigarette packs should be updated to reflect this new information. How about something like this:

- Warning: These cigarettes are king size -- how about you?

- Warning: Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller.

- Warning: If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.

- Warning: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.

- Warning: Smoke rises, but you may not.

- Warning: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children -- That is.. if you're capable of conceiving any.

- Warning: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff -- so do you.

- Warning: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there's no before?

- Warning: The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.

- Warning: Don't throw lit cigarettes in the urinal -- you might not have the range to put them out.

What is hail?
→ Hard boiled rain!

- Waiter, there's a button in my salad.

- It must have come off while the salad was dressing.

A fish walks into a bar, the bartender asks:

- What would you like?

the fish says holding his neck:

- Water.

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

The farmer said:

- That's once.

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer said:

- That's twice.

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

His brand new bride yelled, telling him:

- That was an awful thing to do.

The farmer said:

- That's once.

A man walks into a doctor's office.

He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

- What's the matter with me? - he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies:

- You're not eating properly.

Did you hear about the witch who was ashamed of her long black hair?
→ She always wore long gloves to cover it up.