Most viewed jokes

Don't try to understand the theory of relativity.

Relativity is like an erection - the more you think about it, the harder it gets.

At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down.

Just then someone in the back of the room yelled:

- Format C: Return.

Someone else chimed in:

- Yes, Return

Unfortunately, the software worked...

This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks:

- What man out there will buy a lady a drink?

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says:

- Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying:

- What man out there will buy a lady a drink?

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says:

- Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states:

- It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?

The drunk replies:

- Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!

A woman goes to a doctor with a problem. She's sat on the chair next to the doctor, and she's very hesitant about describing her problem. Eventually, the doctor manages to discover that she thinks she may be sexually perverted.

- What sort of perversion are you talking about? - asks the doctor.

- Well - said the woman.

- I like to be... Ohh... Ah... Ummm... I'm sorry doctor, but I'm too ashamed to talk about it.

- Come, come, my dear. I'm a doctor you know; I've been trained to understand these problems. So what's the matter...?

So the woman again tried to explain, but got so embarrassed that she just turned bright red and looked as though she might faint. It was then the doctor had a bright idea.

- Look - he said.

- I'm a bit of a pervert myself. So if you show me what your perversion is, I'll show you what mine is. Okay? Is it a deal?

The woman considered the offer and after a short while agreed that it was a fair request. So after a slight pause, she said:

- Well my perversion is... My perversion... Oh... I like to be kissed on the bottom!

- Shit, is that ALL! - said the doctor.

- Look, go behind that screen, take all your clothes off, and I'll come round and show you what MY perversion is! Hee Hee!

So the woman does as she is told and undresses behind the screen. She gets down on all fours thinking to herself:

- Hmmmm, perhaps he might kiss me on the bum.

Anyway, five minutes pass and nothing has happened. So the woman peers around the side of the screen to see the doctor sitting behind his desk, his feet up on the table, reading a newspaper and whistling to himself.

- Hey! - shouted the woman.

- I thought you said you were a pervert?

- Oh I am - said the doctor.

- I've just shit in your handbag!

Some of life's truisms...

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Q&A's about Salami Bin Coward & the Talibuttheads:

Why does Salami Bin Coward carry a Turd in his pocket?
→ It's his photo ID.

What do Salami Bin Coward and Hiroshima have in common?
→ Nothing - "yet".

How do you play Talibutthead bingo?
→ B-52... F-16... B-1...

What is the Talibuttheads national bird?
→ Duck.

How is Salami Bin Coward like Fred Flintstone?
→ Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

What does Salami Bin Coward and General Custer have in common?
→ They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!

What's the difference between the Talibuttheads and a bucket of crap?
→ The bucket.

What's the five day forecast for Afghanistan?
→ Two days.

Why don't Salami Bin Coward's people eat turd sandwiches?
→ They hate bread.

Why don't the Talibuttheads have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day?
→ The camels can't handle it.

The blonde had been married about a year when one day the she came running up to her husband jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her.

- Why are we so happy? - he asked.

- Honey, I have some really great news for you!

- Great, tell me what you're so happy about.

She stopped breathless from all the jumping up and down.

- I'm pregnant! - she gasped.

The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn't be happier. Then she said:

- Oh, honey there's more.

- What do you mean more?

- Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

- It was easy - she said.

- I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:

- He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab:

- Sorry I took so long - he says:

- Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!

A couple took their young son to the circus and when the elephants appeared, the boy seemed very intrigued by them.

- Mommy, what's that long thing on the elephant? - he asked.

- That's the elephant's trunk, dear - she replied.

- No, not that. What's that long thing that's hanging between the elephant's legs? - asked the boy.

Embarrassed, the mother replied:

- Oh, it's nothing, son.

She then left to get some hot dogs and sodas.

While she was gone, the young boy turned to his father and asked:

- Daddy, what's that long thing hanging between the elephant's legs?

- That's the elephant's penis, son - explained the father.

- Well, why did mommy say it was nothing when I asked her? - the boy asked.

Taking a deep breath, the father proudly replied:

- I've spoiled that woman, son!

- Waiter, can you get rid of this fly in my starter!

- I can't do that sir, he's not had his main course yet!