An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm.
- Show the lady your finest mink! - the fellow exclaims.
So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers:
- Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.
- No problem! I'll write you a check!
- Very good, sir. - says the shop owner:
- Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared.
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged:
- How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!
- I just had to come by - grinned the guy:
- to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!
What do you call a witch with one leg?
→ Eileen.
Why did the composer spend all his time in bed?
→ He wrote sheet music.
What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider?
→ "Life is like a box of chocolates..." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)
Computers manufacturer is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
- You never get anything right - complained the teacher.
- What kind of job do you think you'll get when you leave school?
- Well, I want to be the weather girl on TV.
What is Dracula's favorite fruit?
→ Neck-tarines.
There where two snakes talking.
The 1st one said:
- Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned?
Then the second Snake says:
- Why do you ask?
The 1st one replies:
- I just bit my lip!
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.
After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
He asked her:
- Do you know what I'm doing?
- Yes - she replied
- you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.
- That is right - said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts.
- Do you know what I'm doing now? - he asked.
- Yes - the woman said
- you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer.
- Correct - replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounts his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked:
- Do you know what I'm doing now?
- Yes - she said.
- You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place!
