Most viewed jokes

How do you shoot a great white shark?
→ Hold his nose until he turns blue and then you shoot him with a blue shark spear gun!

What steps should you take if you see a dangerous animal on your travels?
→ Very large ones.

An airplane was flying from LA to New York.
About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced:

- We have lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left. However, instead of 5 hours it will take 7 hours to get to New York.

A little later, the pilot announced:

- A second engine failed, but we still have two left. However, it will take 10 hours to get to New York.

Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced:

- A third engine had died. Never fear, because the plane can fly on a single engine. However, it will now take 18 hours to get to new York.

At this point, one passenger said:

- Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!

What has 200 legs, 50 noses, and is very loud?
→ A herd of stampeding aardvarks!

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says... "Why the long face?"

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell. Satan is giving him a VIP tour, showing him his options for spending eternity.

They come to a room marked "Hitler." Inside is Eva Braun, torturing Adolf Hitler with red-hot irons. Every time Hitler tries to escape, Eva applies another iron.

- I can't spend eternity like that - says Clinton.

- Show me something else.

Satan takes him to another room marked "Jack the Ripper."

Inside are three mutilated prostitutes, stretching Jack on the rack.

Every time Jack screams, the whores turn the wheel a little more.

- I can't spend eternity like that, either - says Clinton.

- Show me something better.

Satan takes Bill to the last door.

Inside, Kenneth Starr is being held up to the wall with chains around his wrists. At his groin is Monica Lewinsky giving him oral sex. Bill smiles.

- Yes! - he shouts.

- that's for me.

Satan smirks and says:

- Good choice, Mr. President.

He looks down at Monica and says:

- You can get up now, Honey. We've finally found your replacement!

Don't be sexist... broads hate that!

Rejected Hallmark Cards:

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.

My tire was thumping... I thought it was flat... when I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat... Sorry.

You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.

Your computer is dead... it was once so alive Don't you regret installing Windows 95?

You totalled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... that case of Bud Dry?

An Italian, an American, and a Polak were captured by the French for various crimes and are taken to the Guillotine.

The executioner places the Italian on the block and asks if he has any last words. The Italian replies:

- I pray to the Virgin Mary that I may live.

They drop the blade it it stops a mere inch above the Italian's neck. Amazed, the French let him go.

Next, the American is put in position and asked if he has any final words. He replies:

- In the name of Jesus Christ, please have mercy.

They drop the blade, and again it stops just an inch from the American's neck. In disbelief, they let him go free.

Then the Polak is placed on the block, and they ask if he has any last words.

He says:

- Yeah. You've got a knot in your rope.

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays.

After looking over the menu he says:

- I'll just have the eggs benedict.

His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate.

He asks the waiter:

- What's with the fancy plate?

The waiter replies:

- There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!