- Customer: My disk is stuck in my disk drive. Clicking eject doesn't work.
- Tech Support: Ok, turn the power to your Mac off, hold down the mouse clicker, and power the Mac back up.
- Customer: Look, I don't have three hands!
- Teacher: What's 2 and 2?
- Pupil: 4
- Teacher: That's good.
- Pupil: Good?, that's perfect!
Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending 50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.
How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison?
→ Shoot one.
What happened to the girl who wore a mouse costume to her Halloween party?
→ The cat ate her.
DRINK
- 17... Wine coolers
- 25... White wine
- 35... Red wine
- 48... Dom Perignon
- 66... Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
- 17... Need to wash my hair
- 25... Need to wash and condition my hair
- 35... Need to color my hair
- 48... Need to have Francois color my hair
- 66... Need to have Francois color my wig
FAVORITE SPORT
- 17... shopping
- 25... shopping
- 35... shopping
- 48... shopping
- 66... shopping
FAVORITE DRUG
- 17... shopping
- 25... shopping
- 35... shopping
- 48... shopping
- 66... shopping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
- 17... "Burger King"
- 25... "Free meal"
- 35... "A diamond"
- 48... "A bigger diamond"
- 66... "Home Alone"
FAVORITE FANTASY
- 17... tall, dark and handsome
- 25... tall, dark and handsome with money
- 35... tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
- 48... a man with hair
- 66... a man
HOUSE PET
- 17... Muffy the cat
- 25... Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
- 35... Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
- 48... Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
- 66... Retired husband who dabbles in taxidermy and stuffs Muffy the Cat
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
- 17... 17
- 25... 25
- 35... 35
- 48... 48
- 66... 66
IDEAL DATE
- 17... He offers to pay
- 25... He pays
- 35... He cooks breakfast the next morning
- 48... He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
- 66... He can chew breakfast
DRINK
- 17... Beer
- 25... Beer
- 35... Scotch
- 48... Double scotch
- 66... Maalox
SEDUCTION LINE
- 17... My parents are away for the weekend.
- 25... My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
- 35... My fiancee is away for the weekend.
- 48... My wife is away for the weekend.
- 66... My second wife is dead.
FAVORITE SPORT
- 17... Sex
- 25... Sex
- 35... Sex
- 48... Sex
- 66... Napping
FAVORITE DRUG
- 17... Pot
- 25... Cocaine
- 35... Really good cocaine
- 48... Power
- 66... Advil
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
- 17... Cop a feel
- 25... Breakfast
- 35... She didn't set back my therapy
- 48... I didn't bump into her kids.
- 66... An actual erection
FAVORITE FANTASY
- 17... Third base
- 25... Airplane sex
- 35... Menage a trois
- 48... Taking her company public
- 66... Swiss maid and/or Nazi love slave
HOUSE PET
- 17... Roaches (to be burned later)
- 25... Old college roommate
- 35... Irish setter
- 48... Children from her first marriage
- 66... Barbi
THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED
- 17... 25
- 25... 35
- 35... 48
- 48... 66
- 66... 17
IDEAL DATE
- 17... Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
- 25... Split the check before we go back to my place
- 35... Just come over
- 48... Just come over and cook
- 66... Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank
Have you heard about the latest sensation? It's called "Rodeo Sex"?
Thats when you mount your wife doggy style and in the middle of the sex act you bend over and whisper in her ear:
- Your sister has a tighter pussy than you
and try to hold on for 8 seconds!
Why are felines the best ever animals?
→ Because they're purrrrrrrfect and grrrrrreat!
Why are men like blenders?
→ You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish icefishing. Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win -- they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back. "A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"
