An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
- Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night.
- Have you tried counting sheep?
- That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.
Marilyn had a parrot for a pet, but the parrot would embarrass her whenever she came into the apartment with a man. He would shout all kinds of obscenities, always leading off with:
- Somebody's gonna get it tonight!
In desperation, Marilyn went to her local pet shop and explained her parrot problem to the pet shop proprietor.
"What you need," he said, "is a female parrot too. I don't have one on hand, but I'll order one. Meanwhile, you could borrow this female owl until the female parrot arrives."
Marilyn took the owl home and put it near her parrot. It was immediately obvious that the parrot didn't care for the owl. He glared at it. That night, Marilyn wasn't her usual nervous self as she opened the door to bring her gentlemen friend in for a nightcap. Then suddenly she heard the parrot screech and she knew that things hadn't changed.
- Somebody's gonna get it tonight! Somebody's gonna get it tonight! - the parrot said.
The owl said:
- Who? Who?
And the parrot said:
- Not you, you big-eyed Son of a Bitch.
Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff, the bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself:
- Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot.
The second man married a telephone operator. Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself:
- Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom.
The third man married a school teacher. Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself:
- Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid.
At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day.
The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
- Sir, what happened? - asked Jeff.
- You married a nurse.
- Son, don't ever marry a nurse - the man sourly replied.
- All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'.
The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed.
- What happened? - Jeff asked with surprise.
- Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices.
- Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator - the man groaned.
- All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'.
Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment. Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast. Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs.
- My goodness sir, what happened to you? - Jeff asked, fearing the worst.
- Did you have a fight?
The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied:
- No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher.
- All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right'.
What is the difference between a "Battery" and a woman?
→ A battery has a positive side.
What did the tornado say to the car?
→ 'You wanna go for a spin?'
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
The boy confessed sadly:
- Pa, the chickens got loose, but I managed to find all twelve of them.
- Well, you did real good, son - the farmer beamed.
- You left with seven.
Three couples are dining together.
The American husband says to his wife:
- Pass me the honey, Honey.
The English husband says to his wife:
- Pass me the sugar, Sugar.
The [you name it] husband says to his wife:
- Pass me the steak, Dumb cow.
A man rushed into the veterinarian's office carrying his dog, thoroughly distraught. The vet examined the dog's still, limp body and sadly informed the man that the dog was dead.
Saddened at the loss of his best friend, the man asked the doctor if he could please try one last time to revive the dog. The doctor stepped into his other room and returned with a cat in a wire cage. He set the cage on the examining table and opened the sliding door.
The cat got up, stretched, stepped out of the cage and slowly walked around the dog from head to tail sniffing the body. When it was finished, it looked up at the veterinarian with a "meow", walked back into the cage and went back to sleep.
The vet looked at the man and said in his best bedside manner:
- I'm sorry, but there is nothing I can do.
Resigned, the man signed and said:
- Thanks for trying. How much do I owe you?
- Three-hundred fifty dollars - the doctor replied.
- Thr . . . thr . . .three-hundred fif-fif-fifty bucks to tell me my dog is dead! - the man stammered.
- Well, it was only $50 for the office visit. The other $300 is for the CAT scan.
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
- Sid, are there any Jews in China? - asked Al.
- I don't know, - Sid replied.
- Why don't we ask the waiter?
When the waiter came by, Al asked him:
- Are there any Chinese Jews?
- I don't know sir, let me ask, - the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said:
- No, sir. No Chinese Jews.
- Are you sure? - Al asked.
- I will check again, sir. - the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said:
- I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere.
When the waiter returned he said:
- Sir, no Chinese Jews.
- Are you really sure? - Al asked again.
- I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.
- Sir, I ask everyone, - the waiter replied exasperated.
- We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!
How are a vending machine and Monica Lewinsky alike?
→ Insert Bill here.
